I HATE MEN

I have been driving myself crazy the last couple weeks, so I finally did something about it. I got up the nerve to tell him ????????exactly how I feel, and what is bothering me. We went from being together, to not being together and just friends, to hanging out again and I felt like we were back to where we ended the last time.

He doesn’t tell me how he feels…what am I suppose to do. I just want to make a well-informed decision. If I don’t know what he wants or feels, it will not be fair to him. We were in this together…his opinion, wants, desires all matter to me. Just like I enjoy putting his body at peace, I want to put his heart at peace. I can’t exactly explain how he makes me feel. Without words, his touch, tenderness, passion, and warmth make me so comfortable. I never want to leave his arms. I could only image his words, but they are never spoken.

I gave him an ultimatum…and I really don’t like doing that, but I didn’t know what else to do. I asked him to tell me how he feels or what he wants…his stock answer is “I don’t know.” I seriously wanted to pull my hair out. So I told him, if he doesn’t give me his decision, then I am making the decision for us, and he might not like it.

I told him I can’t do this anymore. I want to be with him, but that is not what we have now. I can’t do the friends with benefits because there are too many feelings involved, so I’d rather just be friends and nothing more. He said he is going to leave me alone for a while…and I am hoping that is what is best for both of us.

I did so good when I talked to him last night…I didn’t even cry until I asked him what was his favorite thing about me…he said, “Physical?” and I said, “no”. He told me, “I have so many favorite things about you…” This is when my eyes started to tear up…then he said he liked how I am always so nice to him…it wasn’t that he was just saying it, I felt it with all my heart that he truly meant it. This is also where I get confused…he likes me because I am so nice to him, but he can like me as “just a friend” because I am so nice to him. My niceness is not exclusive to relationships, ask any of my friends…I am just genuinely nice. So which is it?

I wanted to ask him if he knew that he was taking a chance of losing me forever, possibly losing the chance to be anything more than friends…I wondered if that is a chance that he is willing to take? He said he doesn’t want to string me along, and I won’t let myself be strung along anymore. I wanted to tell him that I think a part of me will always love him (words that I never spoke to him)…if I would have told him I loved him would that have made a difference?

I felt like we had this almost perfect relationship…the biggest problem, maybe the only problem is that he didn’t share his feelings with me. I started to feel like he didn’t want to share his life with me… I don’t want him to regret not speaking his heart to me. It reminds me of one of my past relationships…I got a phone call from my ex about a month ago to talk to me and tells me of his regrets, that he wished he would have told me certain things, and if he did tell me maybe we would still be together, and that maybe all the bad that happen between us would not have happen. My ex asked me… if he told me now, what he had wanted to say when we were together, would it make a difference now? My answer was NO…he waited years (literally years). I told my ex that I think I am in love with someone else. I know my ex was upset, but what does he want me to do now.

“Remember you can’t turn back time, and sometimes you only have one more chance to make it right. Just follow your heart.”