I HATE MEN

If you never had a jealous boyfriend, you are so lucky.

Some years back I had the joy of experiencing a jealous boyfriend. I had my phone looked at daily, even smashed a few, and after we were separated he broke into my wireless account online and started calling numbers that he didn’t know. I got a phone call from my friend Kel who’s brother had answered their house phone. My ex started verbally harassing Kel’s brother…he ended up telling my ex-boyfriend off.

In the eyes of my ex-boyfriend, if I talked to another guy I must have been sleeping with him. Yet, it was okay that he had girls calling him all the time and giving him rides when he couldn’t drive. I never looked at his phone because I trusted him… I wanted him to give me the same respect. Later, I found out that he cheated on me many times…with a lot of the girls I suspected. Every time I confronted him of cheating, he shot down my accusations and assured me they were only friends. I guess what upset me the most was that he was telling me he loved me so much and cared about me so much, but he was sleeping with all these other girls…I realized he didn’t care about me, since it was so obvious that he did not care about my welfare.

One day I finally stood up for myself…I had a hunch that he was cheating on me with this one girl, but I didn’t know for sure. I use to have lunch with him weekly at his work, and when I went to his work, this girl was there eating lunch with him instead of me. I was so upset! I pulled him aside to have a serious conversation about what was going on. He just got smart with me, so I slapped him across the face, and went over and pushed her. It was certainly childish, but it felt so good. I was only 20 years old at the time…looking back I would never do that again. If I had to do it again I would have broke up with him ages before this happen, but we all learn from our mistakes.

I really don’t get why people become jealous…if you love them, then you love them. If you don’t, you don’t. There is no reason to be jealous. Obviously if you don’t have the same feeling for your partner, you should tell them as to not hurt them, but if there is a mutual love what is the problem.

No matter what, we will all have to converse with others in our life…and it is inevitable that we will encounter the opposite sex on a regular basis. As I wrote in an earlier post, relationships that last have the qualities that endure, such as kindness, intelligence, honesty, patience, and vibrancy. I think a relationship with these qualities can overcome the thoughts of jealousy.

Thinking about jealousy, I am reminded of a song, Hold On Loosely by 38 Special. Can men take their advice:

It’s so damn easy, when your feelings are such
To overprotect her, to love her too much
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago
Who told me,
Just Hold On Loosely, but don’t let go
If you cling to tightly,
you’re gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in

Don’t let her slip away
Sentimental fool
Don’t let your heart get in her way

I think they are saying it is fine to love a woman with all your heart, but don’t let your feeling take over to try to control every aspect of her life… Women are not a possession, and are not meant to be controlled…they are meant to be respected. When men try to control women and respect is lost, these women often lose self-respect. We must remember that how our lives go depends on whether we respect ourselves. I came to realized how important self-respect is after I had lost it.

It is difficult to maintain your own self-respect when others do not respect you. It is part of everyday wisdom that respect and self-respect are deeply connected, that it is difficult if not impossible both to respect others if we don’t respect ourselves and to respect ourselves if others don’t respect us.

When someone is constantly putting you down and trying to make you feel like you are nothing and worthless, you start to lose yourself. You become so confused and start questioning who you really are. I was called dumb, stupid, fat, superficial, a whore, a slut, a bitch…the list goes on. I knew it wasn’t true, but when you keep hearing things from someone that you loved and respected, it really makes you question whether or not it is true. As a person’s self-respect breaks down they become more vulnerable to being manipulated, and struggle to maintain their true identity.

I was lost for a very long time, but I was able to find myself with the help of my family and close friends. They helped me to realized how strong, intelligent, creative, motivated and independent I really am. I regained my attitude that “I can do anything if I put my mind to it, and I really want it.” I finally felt put back together. I strived in school, and started being able to not only help myself, but to help others again. I was able to look in the mirror and feel beautiful again. I ate healthy, and took care of my body, and took much time for myself to do all the things I’ve been missing and always enjoyed. Being able to respect myself is what helped me to stop bad habits, get my life back together and helped me to stand up for my opinion, values, and what mattered most to me.

As Ginny (Katherine Hepburn) says in Love Affair:

“The trick in life isn’t getting what you want, my dear, it’s wanting it after you get it.”

I live my life happily, knowing everything that I have worked hard to get is something that I truly wanted. As for my ex-boyfriend, he got all those girls he thought he wanted, but in the end all he really wanted was me…unfortunately for him that is something he will never get.