All of a sudden he is moody with me and I’m like “Is something wrong? is it me?” then I get “Nothing is wrong, stop going on!”
The tension you could cut with a knife!

I’m getting angry now.  Why am I staying with this miserable animal that can’t act like a human being? I do stay and put up with it some more though.

I’m on my way over one day and get caught in traffic for an hour.  It ends up causing a fight on the way home.  Before I’ve even reached the door now I’m raging, thinking how has this fight happened when I’m the one that sat in the traffic?

We don’t speak for a week cause he is to stubborn to apologize, so I give in again and when I’m over there its back to normal as if we had never even fought or as if he had never started acting funny!

I cant keep up.  I don’t know whether I’m coming or going?

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”Why is he so preoccupied with everything else? his job, his car, himself.”

What about me. Im not certainly perfect but I do my part to give him what he needs. And noticed that when you give a man what he needs he alienates you. My needs are not as important anymore. Everytime situations get too hot for him he throws me away and demands space. But when things are fine thats when he wants me the most. Its so unfair. I hate the way men are. Their so selfish, its them first than maybe everything else.

I feel so unloved and not worthwhile for him. I rather be single for the rest of my life. Not because of him but because I’m tired of trying. Men and woman supposed to compliment each other. Supposed to balance each other. I know I don’t need a man to survive or be complete. But I would like to need a man anchor on him when im at my weakest. Feel him support me get all this weight off me just for a while. Instead the only thing that helps me forget is a goodnight sleep. Thank god for healthy melatonin.

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Now he goes on these “phones off” periods where he turns off his cell phone, home phone and computer and sits at home and drinks. I don’t have a problem with it, except that he should let me know ahead of time so that I won’t think he’s ignoring me.

He’s now starting to let me know ahead of time. However, this past Friday, I was supposed to come over to spend some time with him. I had a previous engagement, but told him I would come over after I was finished. I called him as I was leaving my function. I called him cell phone and home phone with no response.

I decided to pick up something to eat, while still driving, and waiting on him to call. Even after I picked up food, he didn’t call.

I’d had a long day and was very tired. Since I didn’t hear back from him I went home. Once I got home, I pretty much crashed. He texted me some forty minutes later saying he was downstairs working out.

I woke up to the text but back asleep. I knew as I was driving that if I went home, I would pretty much be in for the night due to how tired I was.

I woke up about 4 am and saw that he texted me again at 1 am saying “I guess you’re not coming over or else you would have been here by now.”

I texted him back and said that I’d called him twice with no response and that I was very tired and went to sleep.

Saturday morning (getting ready for another engagement), I called him and got voicemail immediately (meaning phones off). I left him a message saying that maybe we could do something today, but I was very tired last night and tried my best to contact him before I went home, but with no success.

At my function I texted him “What are you doing?”, as we both often do. He didn’t respond to either. He still has not responded. This is so stupid.

You wanted to me to come over, but since I didn’t, you shut me down completely? How stupid is that? What kind of man are you that if a woman doesn’t do what you want, when you want it, you just disappear.

I know he’s going to contact me sooner or later and act surprised at my indifference to him (as he’s done in the past), asking “Why are you upset?”

Why? Because you’re a selfish, inconsiderate, butthole of a man. When you’re in a relationship, it’s not just about you. You have to consider the other person. I’m sick of it.

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We still keep in touch, but that feels weird….what exactly does he want?

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Now, this comment came from all the boys present in the room. Two of them were straight while the other is gay. “A hole is a hole.” Unless the other person is extremely, extremely unattractive, there is no need to turn off the lights when the opportunity comes along.  So I asked myself and those of you who are reading this, when was the last time I suggested sex to the man? My answer was never. Every single time, it was him who suggested it.

Sexually driven creatures we all are, men are definitely right up the chart. They are fundamentally built on those grounds so brace yourself if you think they are going to change any time soon.

I’m not judging, only anticipating.

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I hate the way men try to give you the bare minimum, but will take everything if you allow them to. The other day I was texting with a guy that likes me and I told him that I had gotten laid off of my job. He then says, “oh, you’re at home?” After I tell him yes, he proceeds to ask me if he can come over and watch tv with me. Call me crazy, but that made me so so angry! He has never ever invited me out to dinner, lunch, a movie, bowling, or any other type of date, but he wants to come over my house, kick off his shoes, watch my cable on my tv, sitting on my couch, in my house, where I don’t even know how I’m going to pay rent at this month. If there is one thing I know about men (especially those that will invite themselves over to your place of residence, or you to theirs) they want to try to establish some false sense of intimacy with you, put their arm around you, touch your leg, try to kiss you, eventually hoping it will lead to sex. All without them ever having to spend a dime on a damn date.

I hate men who approach me who are way out of their league. And I get so frustrated with myself for being so damn polite to them, and not wanting to hurt their feelings.

I hate how I have to pretend not to like the guys that I’m really interested in, knowing that if I pretend that I couldn’t care less about them, they will chase me to the ends of the earth. But if I am genuine and authentic, and show that I like them, they really aren’t interested. It’s the most unnatural thing in the world to pretend as if you don’t like someone when you actually do.

For every man that I have ever had sex with, I hate you. I hate you for making me feel worthless in your eyes, when I was simply trying to share a part of myself with you. I hate you for making me doubt myself. I hate you for making me have such a negative outlook on men. I hate you for making me cry. I hate you for not even making the sex worth my time.

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Every time I saw or even sensed his presence in a room with me: My legs would start to go numb. My heart would race too fast. My head would lose all sense of time. My body would go cold and hot at the same time. And I would just shake from the sudden change.

I am naturally level headed and secure in myself and Men don’t effect me, but I was different around him. He would rock my boat by just being there. And I was “obsessed” with him in my own way.

By the word Obsessed, most people think, She stalked him. Always called his phone. Texted him all the time. Asking where he’s at. What he’s doing… Blah, Blah, Blah. Practically suffocated the life out of the poor guy no wonder he just disappeared.

Well, I never did much really. Honestly I don’t think I did enough to keep his attention and he got very bored with me.

In March of 09, my best friend saw him and talked to him. Told him I liked him. Thought he was cute. At that time I just saw him as cute and masculine. Not a potential boyfriend, but I told my friend to just give my phone number to him if she ever saw him again because apparently she saw him more than me. She happened to see him the very next night in the video store she worked in. Surprise, Surprise. She talked to him, told him about me, and gave him my number. When she told me the next night, I was like Awesome.

Now I had met a guy who I actually liked for face value as well as personality. Usually for me to like a guy I had to get to know him first. Well, he called the night after he got my phone number. I was nervous as fuck talking to him on the phone. I had never done this before.
He was nice to me. Patient enough. That weekend we went on our first date. We went to a party at my best friend’s house cause that’s where I felt most comfortable and he seemed to understand that when I talked to him. It was nice, but some people showed up that I barely knew, but he knew well. He practically just sat next to me and talked to them the whole time. I was really nervous. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t steady enough with myself to interrupt and I definitely didn’t want to come across as rude. Well that party ended and he walked me home. We finally got to talk a lot about a lot which I thought was too much, but couldn’t stop. It was ok, I guess, but I knew I was too freaking happy to care, but I didn’t get to kiss him.

Two nights later, he walked into the mini shop I worked at. I was just getting off work and he was running in to grab some hangers because he was about to go to sea in a month. Yes, the Guy’s a sailor. I’m a sailor’s daughter so it’s common. Anyway, he was surprised to see me or maybe just acted it, but I knew he was there even tho I had my back to him. He had gotten what he needed and was headed out the door just after me so I decided to stop and talk to him. We talked in front of that store for like 3 hrs. He complimented me on my eyes which are very blue when I am extremely happy and I just about burst in craziness. To me, my eyes are my most prized possession. Then he asked me out on another Split Second date for that night to a mystery movie he was going to see set up for single sailors and their dates. I didn’t have anything else to do so I went. We hung out with like two of his friends who tagged along to the movie as well. One of them I liked instantly. He was just likable and friendly, but the other was a bit rude and I avoided him. They thought he had scared me or something. The movie that played was Friday the 13th. I am terrified of horror films, but love to just get freaked out sometimes. It was a better night than our last one and it ended in a kiss that made me so lightheaded I was scared I’d faint.

However, it didn’t last. I didn’t hear from him for a good week and a half after that so I did the inevitable, I called him. I asked him out on a date. A quick dinner date for us then a jump down to my friend’s house to chill at their get-together fling they were having that night. My best friend loved it when I brought him out to see her family cause they both spoke Spanish. They loved just chatting. My best friend is already married with a child so I didn’t feel any jealousy and I liked bringing him around because her and her husband are fun. That night tho he was tired and you could tell so I didn’t force or try to do too much, but I did get another kiss. It felt different tho like he want to get away.

After that night, two weeks went by and nothing. I saw him in a food court with the friend I didn’t like and they were going mountain biking. Cool, but I wasn’t invited. I left it alone. Two nights later we saw each other in a electronics store in the Playstation aisle. I needed a new set up for my system. The Guy thought that was cool, but there were the friends I didn’t like, but I was nice anyway. I definitely tried not to be anything but nice. Then one of his training pedi officers came up and the Guy hugged her. Yes, Her. A woman. I don’t care how old she was and that there is a law against lower ranks dating higher ranks, but I was immediately jealous. I didn’t say anything to show it tho. Mask it, mask it, mask it. That’s all I did. After that they went for ice cream, he didn’t invite me so I left. Starting to hurt cause I knew I was losing. I never showed too much emotion because we were still in the first month of dating, ya know.

After that, another week passed. I called him. Asked him to lunch on Sunday. Only day he seemed to not be working. The Guy agreed, but the lunch was slow. We barely talked and it seemed to become uncomfortable. I was sad I got no kiss or even a hug, but I didn’t push the issue.
The Guy left on that next Monday for a DET. Basically he goes to another country where he had to work with his squadron (group of fellow sailors he’s told to work with) for a week. I know all the terms for what he was doing, but most people don’t live the lifestyle I have had to live so I am forced to explain what one simple word means.

Anyway, he came back. I never saw or heard from him after that Sunday. I didn’t try to call him. Two months before he left for the DET I had spent dating, hoping, waiting for him to go to the BF/GF stage. Then he just disappears. I felt something was wrong, bad.

I never hear or see the Guy until one month later I see him at a bar with his “friends.” The whole base has about a week away from five different squadrons going out to sea for the next three months including him. I’m with three other guys at like 1 in the morning at a karaoke bar. One of them was really horny for me and touching me. I didn’t stop him, but I didn’t encourage him either. The Guy notices me, but I saw him first so I pretend like I don’t see him the whole time I’m there. Call me heartless, but it hurt just knowing he was there. I leave with my group at like 5 in the morning to go back somewhere to crash till I can get sober and go home.

The very next night, I’m in the video store with my best friend while she is working, giving her dinner and chatting. A guy friend standing with us who knows I was dating that guy sees him in the store and says to me, “Hey Annastasia! Look it’s HIM!” so loud practically the whole store heard him say it. The only problem with his attempt and me noticing him was I felt him there first, but I didn’t turn around. I stayed put, looking at my best friend with a hurt look on my face, and replied loud enough for my friends and the Guy to hear, “I know, Dude. I saw him.”
Then I walked behind a shelf and stayed there till I heard the Guy and his friends leave. I knew he was mad, felt shunned, but it wasn’t anything to me hurting because I knew I had already given to much of my heart to him without even having sex. Isn’t that amazing what some of us women do.

You’d think it was cause he was the first guy I really liked, but no. Not true. I liked another when I was 15. That one hurt a lot too, but I knew from the beginning we would never even date. I just liked him. This Guy, I fell for without realizing it or wanting to. It has yet to heal or go away.
Now everytime I see him from a distance I run the other way or avoid bringing attention to myself. One time he saw me after that last time in the vid store and he was rude to me. Didn’t really say anything, just looked at me, glared, and slammed out the store I was in. I still melt, fall into pieces, become jello when I see him, but I lost. Now I can’t hold down or handle a relationship at all. It’s depressing really.

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my girlfriend seemed to only want to hang out with me when she had nothing to do, and would only talk to me if there was nobody else in the vicinity.

i completely trusted this person, who shall remain nameless, i let them know all my secrets, and this was the only person i ever felt i could be myself around.

when i look back, i realize that she always treated me like carpet, something to wipe her feet on.

after eleven months she invites me over, and as always, i canceled whatever i had planned that day so i could see her.

i arrive with roses, i wold always take a gift, and when i look back, i realize that she never even thought enough of me to thank me for the gifts.

after half an our of talking, she starts making sexual moves, and keeps trying to advance. i told her her i wasn’t ready, and still in pieces from my breakup two years earlier, which was completely true, so what she does is tells me to leave and never come back.
all of this she already knew, that i still wasn’t over my last relationship and wasn’t ready for sex.

the month, when i finally went outside, i hadn’t seen anyone else for a while,
i went to the park down the road. i started crying and just stayed there on the park bench for hours, at about 8 pm, the caretaker came up to me to ask what was wrong.

i told the entire thing to a complete stranger,
and it turns out that it was her cousin. he explained to me that she had been cheating on me the entire time. he even showed me a picture of him, the other boyfriend, he had been given by her

i tried to commit suicide that night, then after a few days in hospital, i was made to stay in a mental hospital for a month. i got out three days ago and can’t even bring myself to go outside. someone from the mental hospital comes every day and makes me food, makes sure i eat, and talks to me for a few hours, i haven’t actually spoken since i met the park caretaker.

i think one of the worst things she did, apart from break my heart, is every step of the way, she was telling my secrets, my most personal information, the things i wouldn’t even tell my diary, to all of her friends, every step of the way.

i haven’t spoken to anyone for a month, haven’t said anything to anyone over the internet either, all i have done is sit huddled up in a ball, not getting any sleep and staring into nothing, a white wall, while ignoring the worker from the mental hospital.

and here i am pouring my heart out to complete strangers.

i should just kill myself…

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i don’t mind them to much,

i care alot about my wait and image and get upset really easy, and all the boys find this a reason to pick on me.

i have the utmost respect for woman, and what you have to put up with from men, and think it should stop.

i think, and alway have, that i should have been a female.

everyone thinks i’m freak and i’m considering the sex change operation, i have been thinking about this all year and really want to do it.
the million dollar question, should i do it?

i came here because i knew it would be the only place where someone might understand how i feel, i came here for help.

please don’t let me down, i will be grateful if anyone so much as reads this, let alone responds or replies.

-Nate

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