I HATE MEN

So my guy friend and I are laying on my couch watching a movie, and we end up falling asleep. His phone starts ringing at 1:30am…no one ever calls him that late. He woke up and answered it, and I woke up too. I was able to hear that it was a woman on the other line, but I did not want to listen to his conversation. (I am a big believer in treating people as you would like to be treated, and I really don’t like nosy people, so I give others the same respect.) When he got off the phone I asked him, “Is everything okay?” (Even though I was half asleep, my first thought was that it may have been his mom or one of his sisters..I truly am a worry-wart, and after losing my brother I often think the worst when the phone rings at an unusual time…it feels like my heart stops for a moment…the same feeling as when I got the phone call about my brother.)

It was a “yes/no” question, he only had to say one word…instead he says, “oh, that was my buddy Jeremy”…he straight up lied to me…I never thought that he would be the guy to lie to me. I instantly got sick to my stomach, and I started to gag…I am thinking in my head did this really just happen (wishing it was a nightmare). I couldn’t hold back anymore…either I say something or I run to the bathroom to vomit. “You know you don’t have to lie to me, so why did you?” He doesn’t answer. “I asked you a question.” He says, “what?” I said, “Why did you lie to me.” The only thing he could say was, “I don’t know.”

I’m thinking to myself…did he just say “I don’t know”. Then I asked him, “Are you afraid of me or something?” I really did not get it. First off we are not together anymore. About a month prior we decided to take a step back, and just be friends (there are a lot of reasons for this decision, but I’m not going to get into it all. Even though we took a step back we still cared about each other). I did not care about a girl calling him, he is not committed to me, or anything like that…we are friends…but does he go around lying to his other friends too?

Now I am starting to question everything about him…maybe he is not the Prince Charming I thought he was. Sure I never had to open a car door, but I’d rather open a million car doors on my own than have someone that I care about lie to me. Do I even know this guy that I was letting myself falling in love with 4 months ago? Confusion overtook me. Does he even like me…maybe this is all wrong…can he even talk to me…he’s only opened up once, the day we decided to stop dating…is he uncomfortable around me, do I make him uncomfortable…as all of these thoughts are going through my head I was wishing he would just say something…I’m sorry, I was half asleep, and give me a kiss on the forehead or something…why could he not say anything? I felt my eyes swelling up with tears.

I needed to get off the couch and go into my bed. I thought he would leave, but he didn’t. He came up stairs to sleep next to me…I laid there crying as he fell back asleep. My mind still racing as I cushioned my head in the damp pillow…why did he lie, should I talk to him anymore…I have these other guys that seem to really like me, that listen to me, talk with me, and want to be with me and I am blowing them off for him…why? I am not going to call him again, why should I want to talk to him again…he won’t share any deep feelings or emotions with me…it’s just superficial bullshit, and I am not a superficial girl. I care so much, sometimes I think I care too much…I care too much about others, about making everyone happy…are you hungry, thirsty, can I do anything for you? I am not complaining…I like who I am. I just want to be appreciated…I don’t need you to buy me a dozen red rose, I would rather you talk to me, share your life, feelings, emotions, fears, goals, ambitions, and dreams with me…and I will listen and share mine with you.

This is the kicker…he never leaves movies at my house…ever. So, the next morning he woke up and left for work before me. When I got up for work his pile of movies were sitting down stairs on the table…maybe it was an accident, but I remember his hat and something else sitting right next to those movies last night, and those items were gone, so why did he leave the movie?? Did he know how I was feeling that night…did he know that I did not want to talk to him ever again? Did he think that leaving movies at my house would give him another chance?

To be continued…Can I Forgive Him?

I was so excited to go the county fair, mainly for all the great homemade food, but I also enjoy looking at the crafts and the farm animals.

I went to the fair with a guy I’ve been hanging out with for about a month now. I really didn’t expect to be spending any money, as he had asked me to do something with him, but my expectations were wrong.

When we arrived at the fair he was already complaining about paying to park, so I offered to pay for that. He did pay my admission which was kind of him, but that’s where the kindness ended.

As we entered the dirt lot, he looked upset, and expressed his concern about his car getting dirty (my first thought: “r u kidding me”), but I maintained my sweetness (I really am a sweetheart, this is part of my problem…i am just too nice). “Aww, well you can just wash your car later, right?” He did not respond. (That’s the other thing, I felt like I was pulling teeth the entire way there just to have a conversation with him. All he could do is complain about how long it was taking to get there…well maybe if you were able to carry on a conversation with me and have fun on the way up, time would have seemed to fly…your loss.)

Upon entering the fair, we both had food on our minds, unfortunately he did not like anything that I did. As I said I go for the homemade food, and I avoid all the flashy concession stands that offer food from a vat of grease. He said he was a healthy eater, but he ended up eating some of the most fattening and quite honestly the most unoriginal food you can get from a fair. I on the other hand, chose a very delicious beef sandwich carved right off the side of a cow cooking over a fire. Yum.

After we finished eating we walked around and looked at a lot of different things (well actually we just walked around a lot), we did not really go to any stands…I actually felt like we were wandering aimlessly, which I hate because I like to have a game plan for everything.

I am an organized woman and I hate to waste time. My plan for the night was get my beef sandwich, find homemade pumpkin pie or pumpkin ice cream, maybe a funnel cake, see the farm animals, and check out the craft stands, maybe buy pumpkins to carve together another day, and of course watch the fireworks…

It was obvious from the beginning of my date, that my plan would most likely get thrown out the window. He was no help when I wanted to find any of the stands. I don’t know if he was overwhelmed or what, but he just had that deer in headlights thing going on all night. He did not want to see the farm animals, had no interest in crafts, and at that point I didn’t even bring up the idea of carving pumpkins because I probably would have ended up stabbing myself if I had to go through another grueling night like this one. (HELP!)

I finally found an ice cream stand that I liked, so I got a cone of ice cream from there. He had already had a milkshake earlier and said that he did not want anything. I offered him a taste of my ice cream and he took a great bite out of it (so gross).

I was just disgusted, and he seemed in a hurry to leave so we ended up leaving even before the fireworks…he wanted to go home and watch football. (If football is that important to you don’t make plans on a night that it is on TV. I enjoy football too, so if you want to watch it I won’t get mad if you plan around it. I have to add, it wasn’t even his team that was playing, and he didn’t have money on it, it was just another game…)

On the way out I stopped to use the restroom and had him hold my ice cream, of course he ate more of it while I was in there. He didn’t even offer to pay for the freakin’ thing when I got it, but sure you can eat it I didn’t want it. Don’t give the little girl any of her ice cream, sure you can eat it, go pack on more blubber for winter. Wow…it can get worse.

On the ride home he just kept making funny noises and poking me. It was the most immature thing I experienced in a while. I asked him if he had tourette’s. He just laughed…I was serious.

Then a song I really like came on the radio (Colors by Crossfade), and I asked him if he like it and if I could turn it up. He said he didn’t like it and kept it turned down low. He said that when I was driving I could control the radio…oh, but when Guns n’ Roses came on he had to turn the damn thing up to 45. (Are you stuck in the 80′s…then he went on to tell me that Axle Rose, and Charles Manson inspires him…now there are some great role model if I ever needed one…please.) He saw my disgust and went on to say, “Well who inspires you?” I said, “I don’t know, my mom, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly…people that actually did something good in their life.” I think this is where the conversation ended on the car ride home, or I just zoned out. Now I was the one that was feeling like it was taking forever to get somewhere…HOME.

Then I started to think about all my asshole boyfriends that were so much better than this guy. How I had so much more fun with them. How I had so much more in common with them. How much I loved spending time with him…

Our night ended oddly, and my night ended with me thinking about the one person that I have been trying not to think about so much.