I HATE MEN

When the storm is over and the sea is calm, it’s like there was never a storm. You forget how much the lightning scared you or how the thunder made you cower in the corner. It’s the same with an argument with “the man.” It’s like it happened years ago and not last week. It’s your minds way of shutting down and saving yourself from insanity.

Do you accept the apology and wait for another storm or do you quit and worry that the next one that comes along is even worse? It’s so scarey either way. Fear can ruin your life just as bad as a man can.

No matter where we turn it always seems like someone is trying to give relationship advice, from friends, to mom to ex’s that we have kept as friends…but now 9 years old are giving relationship advice.

Alec Greven, a nine year old from Colorado, is the author of How To Talk To Girls. A book that started out as a school project has turned into a New York Times Best Seller.

I have not read the book yet, but I am interested to see what advice the nine year old has to offer. I do know that my younger brother always had good advice for me, and we can always learn from children…their so much more pure and less jaded than adults.

1. Don’t pick at your partner, play nice
2. Sometimes your insecurities can ruin a perfectly good relationship, be confidant in your skin
3. Amp up the romance, fun fighting…playing nice
4. Show an interest in each others hobbies
5. Have no fear, compromising is key
6. Does perfume say i love you?  Remember, try not to change your partner, love them for who they are…and how they smell : )
7. Always like to be in charge (of the remote)?  If u always have to get your way, your partner might switch channels to someone else
8. How to make your relationship rock…while you might be looking for that one that cut’s glass, why not focus on the other 3-C’s…caring, communication, cleaning
9. Aromatic, beautiful, predictable…(half-hearted attempt to keep a relationship fresh) flowers are dead..why not make your lady a nice dinner every once in a while

When we think of the ones we love, we often thing of our partner, or our family, but what about “man’s best friend”.  While some of us have the privilege of having children to call our own, other find love and companionship with a pet.  So when our loving companion is in danger, what do we do?

Greg, a Florida man risked his limbs and life to save Jake, his 2 year old rat terrier from the jaws of a shark.

I think this is such a touching story because we show little regard for how much we love someone until we are about to lose them.  This is just a reminder of how precious life is, and a wake up call for how quickly it could be taken away.

Don’t forget to tell all your loved ones how much you love them…while we think they know…it is always nice to hear “I Love You”.

I have been driving myself crazy the last couple weeks, so I finally did something about it. I got up the nerve to tell him ????????exactly how I feel, and what is bothering me. We went from being together, to not being together and just friends, to hanging out again and I felt like we were back to where we ended the last time.

He doesn’t tell me how he feels…what am I suppose to do. I just want to make a well-informed decision. If I don’t know what he wants or feels, it will not be fair to him. We were in this together…his opinion, wants, desires all matter to me. Just like I enjoy putting his body at peace, I want to put his heart at peace. I can’t exactly explain how he makes me feel. Without words, his touch, tenderness, passion, and warmth make me so comfortable. I never want to leave his arms. I could only image his words, but they are never spoken.

I gave him an ultimatum…and I really don’t like doing that, but I didn’t know what else to do. I asked him to tell me how he feels or what he wants…his stock answer is “I don’t know.” I seriously wanted to pull my hair out. So I told him, if he doesn’t give me his decision, then I am making the decision for us, and he might not like it.

I told him I can’t do this anymore. I want to be with him, but that is not what we have now. I can’t do the friends with benefits because there are too many feelings involved, so I’d rather just be friends and nothing more. He said he is going to leave me alone for a while…and I am hoping that is what is best for both of us.

I did so good when I talked to him last night…I didn’t even cry until I asked him what was his favorite thing about me…he said, “Physical?” and I said, “no”. He told me, “I have so many favorite things about you…” This is when my eyes started to tear up…then he said he liked how I am always so nice to him…it wasn’t that he was just saying it, I felt it with all my heart that he truly meant it. This is also where I get confused…he likes me because I am so nice to him, but he can like me as “just a friend” because I am so nice to him. My niceness is not exclusive to relationships, ask any of my friends…I am just genuinely nice. So which is it?

I wanted to ask him if he knew that he was taking a chance of losing me forever, possibly losing the chance to be anything more than friends…I wondered if that is a chance that he is willing to take? He said he doesn’t want to string me along, and I won’t let myself be strung along anymore. I wanted to tell him that I think a part of me will always love him (words that I never spoke to him)…if I would have told him I loved him would that have made a difference?

I felt like we had this almost perfect relationship…the biggest problem, maybe the only problem is that he didn’t share his feelings with me. I started to feel like he didn’t want to share his life with me… I don’t want him to regret not speaking his heart to me. It reminds me of one of my past relationships…I got a phone call from my ex about a month ago to talk to me and tells me of his regrets, that he wished he would have told me certain things, and if he did tell me maybe we would still be together, and that maybe all the bad that happen between us would not have happen. My ex asked me… if he told me now, what he had wanted to say when we were together, would it make a difference now? My answer was NO…he waited years (literally years). I told my ex that I think I am in love with someone else. I know my ex was upset, but what does he want me to do now.

“Remember you can’t turn back time, and sometimes you only have one more chance to make it right. Just follow your heart.”

Continued from Why did he lie?

So he calls me the next day…I thought twice about answering, but I did really want to see him again to talk to him about why he lied. I listened to him talk on the phone, but I didn’t say a lot back…I was still upset, but I made sure to let him know that his movies were at my house. We spoke briefly over the next few days, but I had a busy weekend so I did not have anytime to see him.

I guess it was either the following Sunday or Monday night that he came over. I made dinner for us, and we sat and ate. After dinner I finally brought it up…”So what was up with you the other night…I know you were probably half asleep, I just don’t understand why you lied.” He told me he didn’t know why he lied, it was one of his old ex’s calling him, he didn’t even give her his new number, she got it off of a mutual acquaintance. Apparently she calls him when she is drunk, which explains the 1:30am phone call. I felt so much better once he told me. I know he does not like her anymore…I know that she caused a lot of drama for him in the past and their relationship ended very rocky…we’ll leave it at that.

Once we talked I felt soooo much better. I do really like him, and I would not want to stop talking to him over something so stupid. Now, he knows how much that upset me and I think it made him understand how much I care about him…if he didn’t know already.

The last few times we have spent together after our talk, he has been very affectionate, kind, and passionate…ceratinly acting as more than just friends, but I don’t want to push him to make a decision when he is not ready. I am willing to wait for him because I do like him so much. I have technically been single for the last 3 years (I’ve only went out on a few date, and didn’t like any of them enough to start a relationship) So after 3 years of being single I’ve finally found a guy that I want to have a relationship with… I’m not in a hurry to find another guy, or anything like that.

The confusion has subsided, and I don’t feel like I am spinning in circles anymore. I don’t think that he is afraid of me, but I do think, well I know, that he is scared… Scared of getting hurt, and scared of hurting me. I am scared too, but I think I am going to take the advice of Erin??????,

“Take a risk on the unexpected it might just be what you’re looking for…”

All of this makes me think of what Winston Churchill once said,

“You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also fierce you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her. She was meant to be wooed and won by youth.”

While I’m sure Mr. Churchill never thought that these words of wisdom could be applied to a relationship, it fits very well. Why not take the risk, and conquer the fear of the unknown. Sure we may make mistakes along the way, but imagine all that we would have missed or not achieved if we didn’t take the risk. Is there a possibility that one or both of us could end up getting hurt? Absolutely. But, we both could be passing up a chance for true happiness.

On the path to true happiness I expect to fall a few times, but I will always get back up.

The Eskimo have hundreds of words for snow, and we’ve invented three times that many words for relationships, but the more words we invent the harder it becomes to define. In a world where you can date without sex, screw without dating, and in the end keep most of your sex partners as friends long after the screwing is over…what really defines a relationship?

I wrote about the difference between “dating” vs “boyfriend/girlfriend”, but let’s dig a little deeper into relationships.

First I think it is fair to say that any person that you are in a relationship with is also a friend. In friendships/relationships we establish a social relationship, often interpersonal. Interpersonal relationships vary in their many degrees, including intimacy and sharing. Generally people are able to establish a relationship due in fact that they share things in common.

So the relationship has been establish…let’s try to define it. While we have created hundred of words for relationships, I think that we can categorize it down to less than ten: marriage, a long-term romance, lovers, soulmates, boyfriend & girlfriend, significant others, mistress, friends with benefits, or just friends (purely platonic)

Now comes the hard part…sustaining the relationship. Having a lot in common is great, but that is not always enough to withstand relationship woes. More often than not relationships fail due to lack of honest communication and awareness.

To sustain a relationship, you need to be perceptive…listen, pay attention to body language, and sometimes you have to read in between the lines. Remember it is best to maintain interaction, encourage openness, and be completely honest with each other. There is no reason to hide how you feel, even if you are afraid that you may offend your partner. I have learned that keeping your feelings in will not facilitate a closer bond, but rather weaken the bond that was initially created.

You may find it difficult to communicate when you partner builds up a wall, or seems disconnected, but I think there are many ways to open the connection. One of the best ways to open the lines of communication is to ensure that your partner is comfortable with you, and also that they trust you. A good way to instill trust is to share personal details of your own life…maybe tell them something that not everyone knows. By trusting or confiding in them, they may become more comfortable to confide in you. You can share details of your life, your childhood, or your best kept memories. One of my favorite casual and fun ways to learn about a person is to play “never have I ever”…while they are often single statements, it tells you a lot about a person’s character, demeanor, values, and even their sense of humor. Be creative, and open-minded…if you and your partner are looking for the same things, by working together you can both find it!

I guess everyone wants to find that “perfect” relationship, but I think that there are relationship requirements that need to be met in order to even come close to getting it right.

Is it possible to find both a mind blowing physical connection and an intellectual relationship? I guess only time will tell.

As I sit and watch Sex and the City, Carrie proposes an odd analogy, “I got to thinking about relationships and partial lobotomies. Two seemingly different ideas that might just be perfect together – like chocolate and peanut butter.”

So, I got to thinking about relationships and partial lobotomies…as with victims of the lobotomy their sacrifice can be similar to what some sacrifice to try to make a relationship work. Whether it is through psychosurgery or relationship identity loss,”an area essential to the human being – the personality – is destroyed”.

After a relationship, it does feel that we have lost many things that have made us a unique human being…such as love, concern for others, empathy, self-insight, creativity, initiative, autonomy, rationality, abstract reasoning, judgment, future planning, foresight, will-power, determination, and concentration.

Now why the consequences of the surgery are irreversible, I believe that when a relationship is concluded, we can rebuild our personality and all that qualities that made us the great person we were.

At the end of a relationship, we have not only lost the love for our mate, but often love for ourselves. We need to take the time to love ourselves again before we can try to love someone else.

Not only do we lose love, we might stop caring about ourselves and others. Maybe we drive erratically, start bad habits, or even abuse ourselves or others. I believe if we accomplish the first step, and love ourselves, we can avoid the loss of concern for ourselves and others. Remember to maintain a appreciation for yourself and each other through the relationship to avoid the loss of empathy.

Often in relationships we lose autonomy and self-insight, as we are no longer independent. We may have allowed our previous mate to make the decisions, or influence our decisions…often when our mate may not have our best interest in mind. Throughout a relationship it is important to maintain your independence. When making a decision in a relationship it should be made as a team…consider the pros/cons of the decision and how it will affect both of you, as well as each of you as individuals. If the decision does not equal a positive when both of you are considered, it is not a good decision.

If we continue to allow others to make decisions for us, we also find a loss of rationality and abstract reasoning. Sound judgment, responsibility, and common sense become clouded and we are unable to properly analyze and solve problems. Remember to keep your values close to heart when making decisions in life…don’t lose sight of your creativity & drive, and never let your mate put you down.

In a relationship, we spend so much time planning for a future with one person. So when the relationship is ended we have difficulty in planning for just us. Remember, it is okay to be selfish and think about yourself. Don’t run away when you feel lost, you should try to find your home…try find where “you” belong in life. If you run away now, when you stop to look around later you may realize that you have become more lost than when you started. Think about where you would like to be in 5 years. Think about education or your career. Face your fears, and don’t take the path that seems the easiest. While it is easier to run away, it seems best to take the time to do something to make your life better.

We find it difficult to anticipate or expect, when what was normal to us is never more. It will take some time to adjust to a new way of living, but never stop living. We were born with a will to live…with drive and determination, so don’t stop driving towards your goals in life. Stay positive, motivated, creative, and most of all, alive with who you are. Don’t hide who you are, or pretend to be something you are not.

As SJP asked, “To be in a couple, do you have to put your single self on a shelf?”

I think it is important to stay true to who we are…because if we put our “single self” on a shelf, who’s to say it will still be there or be the same…I would never want there to be a shelf life on me.

I have decided to start a new category on I Hate Men…most appropriately called “Stupid Men in the News“. I have decided to create this new category after reading of the abashed Governor Spitzer who apparently dropped up to $80,000 on sex with prostitutes.

He is a married, 48 year old father of 3 daughters, yet he has been diving into bed with prostitutes for as long as a decade. Okay, we hate him already, but that’s not even the part that makes him stupid. There is seriously so much irony in all of it. (And I must say he is not attractive at all. He should have just been happy that he had a wife like Silda Wall Spitzer.)

Firstly, when Spitzer was the attorney general, he led investigations into prostitution, broke up call-girl rings, and prosecuted for corruption, money laundering and prostitution charges. He backed legislation targeting the sex trade, including a provision aimed at men who frequent prostitutes. These men were among an elite group of power brokers and top attorneys who regularly paid for dates at pricey escort agencies. He caught these men by following the chain of money…he investigated pay packages of Wall Street executives, and he made himself familiar with shady financial maneuvers.

So, knowing this first piece of information, one would not suspect Spitzer to partake in such activities as paying for prostitution. Likely so, he was actually being investigated by the IRS when they noticed unusual financial transactions by Spitzer. Apparently, Spitzer had divided up several financial transactions to avoid federal reporting rules. He might have been in the clear, but Spitzer got worried that he could be tied to the transfers and asked the bank to remove his name from the transactions. The bank reportedly refused, not only because of regulations, but also because the money had already gone out. The suspicious financial activity was initially reported by a bank to the IRS which, under direction from the Justice Department, brought in the FBI’s Public Corruption Squad.

Federal investigators first believed when they began investigating Spitzer that his questionable financial transactions might be linked to campaign-finance violations. It was only months later that the IRS and the FBI determined that Spitzer was not hiding bribes but payments to a company called QAT, what prosecutors say is a prostitution operation operating under the name of the Emperor’s Club. “We had no interest at all in the prostitution ring until the thing with Spitzer led us to learn about it,” said one Justice Department official.

I find it even more ironic that prosecutors reportedly have a series of e-mails and wiretapped phone conversations of Spitzer. What makes it so priceless is that in an interview 2 years ago with then Attorney General Spitzer, he gave some advice for people who break the law. “Never talk when you can nod, and never nod when you can wink, and never write an e-mail because it’s death. You’re giving prosecutors all the evidence we need,” he said.

It has been said that New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer will resign effective Monday. This is no surprise since he may face prosecution for several charges. If Spitzer intentionally broke up cash transfers into several wire payments to get around the federal disclosure requirement, he could be prosecuted for the crime of “structuring.” If Spitzer made such payments, or used money orders to pay the prostitution ring, he could also face money-laundering charges for paying an entity he knew to be a criminal enterprise.

So, in the end, it appears that Spitzer may have been done in by the same behavior he built a career out of prosecuting.

As I sit and stare at my computer screen, I am completely stumped about what to write on ihatemen.org today.  As I look to my right, I see a dozen beautiful roses and a fun Valentine’s Day card…it is hard to hate men on Valentine’s Day.  Actually, the man that gave me these roses has never given me a reason to hate him.  Today has just been so surreal.  Lunch, red roses, the cute card…I find it difficult to concentrate on my work.  I have never made a big deal out of Valentine’s Day, but today has really been wonderful.  From the very beginning of my day it has just been great…granted I was 10 minutes late for work, and I almost fell down my steps as my legs were just so weak, but it was definitely worth it.

I hope that all my readers are able to enjoy this hallmark holiday as much as I have so far. Now I will leave you with my favorite story of how Valentine’s Day originated.

There are many opinions as to who was the original Valentine.

In any event, in 496 A.D., Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 to honor St. Valentine. Through the centuries, the Christian holiday became a time to exchange love messages and St. Valentine became a patron saint of lovers.

Valentine’s Day is closely approaching, and I am sure each one of us has our own feeling about this holiday that is considered the “most romantic” day of the year.

Maybe you hate Valentine’s day, hate men, or hate everyone…

Regardless, I’m sure this was not the case when you were a child. I have the fondest memories of Valentine’s Day growing up…and the one thing about Valentine’s Day that stick is my head is watching Disney’s 1986 TV Special DTV Romancin…

I hope you can find some enjoyment as Disney takes a shot at explaining love and heartache.