I HATE MEN

I’ve just had my heart smashed again. I’m mid-twenties, attractive, smart & educated, social, and I do attract men. Yet for the past four and a half years, every “relationship” has lasted either a night or a month or two.

Most recently, I started hanging out with this cool local bartender. Really fun, we hung out every night for the past week. Dinner, tv nights on the couch, parties… It was fun. Yes we slept together a few times and it was good. I even asked if he was just looking for friendship or if he liked me. He responded that it freaked him out when girls asked that, but that yes he liked me and I’m the only one he’s with right now.

And then last night, after an entire week of hanging out together, he ignored my text. I called a few hours later and was sent straight to voicemail. I fell apart. Today when he texted me (completely unrelated to my text last night), I said we should just be friends and he responded “that’s fine.” No protest. He could care less.

I can’t do this anymore. I want a partner – companionship, a lover, and eventually a family. But guys lose interest so fast, it’s hard to keep having hope. I just want to sell all my stuff and move to another country and live far away from anyone so I stop getting my hopes up for the life I really want.

What’s the alternative to having to keep putting yourself out there? To keep being embarrassed and eventually brushed aside once a guy loses interest?

I am so sick of coming in dead last on my boyfriend’s list of important people…truthfully, I wonder if I even make the list most days.

Today is a good example. I spent this morning crawling around under my house in weather that was 4 BELOW zero replacing the electric heater tape to keep my pipes from freezing. My boyfriend had been promising me that he would do this for me every weekend for the last 4 months.

With the exception of me, anyone who asks him for anything gets immediate attention….particularly his grown daughter.

For his daughter…the world stops each time she whines for something.

He’s building a brand new house for her…all expenses paid. So far, all she’s done is whine that she can’t move in yet.

Did I mention that she doesn’t have a job??

Do you think he has time to even change a light bulb for me…oh no…but do you think his daughter even knows where the light bulb aisle is in the store?

He keeps introducing me as his wife and calls me his spouse. He can’t be talking about me because not only have I not seen a ring, but no mention of marriage has EVER been made in the last 4 years we’ve been dating.

I don’t understand why he gets all offended that we aren’t married when he introduces me as his “spouse” or “better half”.

Geez, I HATE men!

I met this guy about 4 months ago. He’s very charming, he is 34y/o and is 10 yrs older than me. He makes me feel really special and is great to me…BUT I goggled him one day…(I know) and all these blogs were saying that he used to be a pornstar and how bad he treated the girls that were in the porn films with him and how he had a 2-week romance with a zillion porn chick!! I tried not to think too much because i thought “oh its just the past..”

The other day I saw 2 empty bottles of Cialis in his trash can in the bathroom…empty???? hmmm…I dont even get to see him that often and these are empty??? Suspicious right?

I really like him a lot though but sometimes I feel like I’m being used and that he doesn’t see just me..I don’t know what to do. I find myself asking this question very often “should I stay or should I go?

He tells me he loves me and all and would ask if I loved him back..he is very sweet but you know what?? sometimes it is impossible to get a hold of him! OMG! When he goes out of town he is literally “gone” i hear nothing from him til he gets back.

Well, I dont know what to do. Any advice please???

I’ve been friends with this guy for 4.5 years. For the past 1.5 years we have been BEST friends. We became super close best friends, then went through a very short time of dating (like 2 months or less). I realized I wasn’t attracted to him in that way at all, but we remained best friends. We have talked every single day, throughout the day, for 1.5 straight years. We have been there for eachother for everything. We tell each other everything. I was hospitalized for a little while because of something very traumatic, and he was there for me every moment.

Well, since he’s shy and not very good looking, he hasn’t had a girlfriend in a very long time. I haven’t had a boyfriend in a very long time either, but more because I have a daughter and am in school. Well, he got a girlfriend, and it’s as if I no longer exist. We talked a lot about what would happen to our friendship if one of us started dating, and we both said we’d remain really good friends. Yes, we knew we wouldn’t be able to talk AS much, but both said we’d never just leave the other one. Well, he left me. He’s been dating her for about 3 months now, and the longer it goes on for, the more he wants nothing to do with me. He won’t respond to my calls, emails, text messages, nothing.

It’s like he went from caring about me more than anyone ever has, and always being there for me, to suddenly not caring in any way at all and wanting not to be bothered by me. I have told him how it makes me feel on the rare occasion I get to talk to him for 30 seconds, but he always just wants to get off and not talk about it. I am so hurt. I’ve been crying for a week straight about this. I feel like I lost the most important person in my life. I understood when he started dating that he’d have less time for me, I get that, I’m not THAT naive, but I never saw this coming. I never thought he’d just start ignoring me and not want to talk to me anymore.

How could HE of all people treat me like this? He always used to tell me how upset it made him when people ignored me or treated me with anything other than lots of respect, and now he couldn’t be more of one of those people he once claimed to hate. I am so hurt, and I almost feel like I hate him at this point. How could he be like this to me? He was also so close to my daughter, and now she wonders why he’s just gone.

I’m so hurt. What should I do?

I have been driving myself crazy the last couple weeks, so I finally did something about it. I got up the nerve to tell him ????????exactly how I feel, and what is bothering me. We went from being together, to not being together and just friends, to hanging out again and I felt like we were back to where we ended the last time.

He doesn’t tell me how he feels…what am I suppose to do. I just want to make a well-informed decision. If I don’t know what he wants or feels, it will not be fair to him. We were in this together…his opinion, wants, desires all matter to me. Just like I enjoy putting his body at peace, I want to put his heart at peace. I can’t exactly explain how he makes me feel. Without words, his touch, tenderness, passion, and warmth make me so comfortable. I never want to leave his arms. I could only image his words, but they are never spoken.

I gave him an ultimatum…and I really don’t like doing that, but I didn’t know what else to do. I asked him to tell me how he feels or what he wants…his stock answer is “I don’t know.” I seriously wanted to pull my hair out. So I told him, if he doesn’t give me his decision, then I am making the decision for us, and he might not like it.

I told him I can’t do this anymore. I want to be with him, but that is not what we have now. I can’t do the friends with benefits because there are too many feelings involved, so I’d rather just be friends and nothing more. He said he is going to leave me alone for a while…and I am hoping that is what is best for both of us.

I did so good when I talked to him last night…I didn’t even cry until I asked him what was his favorite thing about me…he said, “Physical?” and I said, “no”. He told me, “I have so many favorite things about you…” This is when my eyes started to tear up…then he said he liked how I am always so nice to him…it wasn’t that he was just saying it, I felt it with all my heart that he truly meant it. This is also where I get confused…he likes me because I am so nice to him, but he can like me as “just a friend” because I am so nice to him. My niceness is not exclusive to relationships, ask any of my friends…I am just genuinely nice. So which is it?

I wanted to ask him if he knew that he was taking a chance of losing me forever, possibly losing the chance to be anything more than friends…I wondered if that is a chance that he is willing to take? He said he doesn’t want to string me along, and I won’t let myself be strung along anymore. I wanted to tell him that I think a part of me will always love him (words that I never spoke to him)…if I would have told him I loved him would that have made a difference?

I felt like we had this almost perfect relationship…the biggest problem, maybe the only problem is that he didn’t share his feelings with me. I started to feel like he didn’t want to share his life with me… I don’t want him to regret not speaking his heart to me. It reminds me of one of my past relationships…I got a phone call from my ex about a month ago to talk to me and tells me of his regrets, that he wished he would have told me certain things, and if he did tell me maybe we would still be together, and that maybe all the bad that happen between us would not have happen. My ex asked me… if he told me now, what he had wanted to say when we were together, would it make a difference now? My answer was NO…he waited years (literally years). I told my ex that I think I am in love with someone else. I know my ex was upset, but what does he want me to do now.

“Remember you can’t turn back time, and sometimes you only have one more chance to make it right. Just follow your heart.”

Continued from Why did he lie?

So he calls me the next day…I thought twice about answering, but I did really want to see him again to talk to him about why he lied. I listened to him talk on the phone, but I didn’t say a lot back…I was still upset, but I made sure to let him know that his movies were at my house. We spoke briefly over the next few days, but I had a busy weekend so I did not have anytime to see him.

I guess it was either the following Sunday or Monday night that he came over. I made dinner for us, and we sat and ate. After dinner I finally brought it up…”So what was up with you the other night…I know you were probably half asleep, I just don’t understand why you lied.” He told me he didn’t know why he lied, it was one of his old ex’s calling him, he didn’t even give her his new number, she got it off of a mutual acquaintance. Apparently she calls him when she is drunk, which explains the 1:30am phone call. I felt so much better once he told me. I know he does not like her anymore…I know that she caused a lot of drama for him in the past and their relationship ended very rocky…we’ll leave it at that.

Once we talked I felt soooo much better. I do really like him, and I would not want to stop talking to him over something so stupid. Now, he knows how much that upset me and I think it made him understand how much I care about him…if he didn’t know already.

The last few times we have spent together after our talk, he has been very affectionate, kind, and passionate…ceratinly acting as more than just friends, but I don’t want to push him to make a decision when he is not ready. I am willing to wait for him because I do like him so much. I have technically been single for the last 3 years (I’ve only went out on a few date, and didn’t like any of them enough to start a relationship) So after 3 years of being single I’ve finally found a guy that I want to have a relationship with… I’m not in a hurry to find another guy, or anything like that.

The confusion has subsided, and I don’t feel like I am spinning in circles anymore. I don’t think that he is afraid of me, but I do think, well I know, that he is scared… Scared of getting hurt, and scared of hurting me. I am scared too, but I think I am going to take the advice of Erin??????,

“Take a risk on the unexpected it might just be what you’re looking for…”

All of this makes me think of what Winston Churchill once said,

“You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also fierce you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her. She was meant to be wooed and won by youth.”

While I’m sure Mr. Churchill never thought that these words of wisdom could be applied to a relationship, it fits very well. Why not take the risk, and conquer the fear of the unknown. Sure we may make mistakes along the way, but imagine all that we would have missed or not achieved if we didn’t take the risk. Is there a possibility that one or both of us could end up getting hurt? Absolutely. But, we both could be passing up a chance for true happiness.

On the path to true happiness I expect to fall a few times, but I will always get back up.

Hi everyone! So I have come to the conclusion that boys – not men make life confusing. I broke up with my ex a couple months ago. We had been together for many years and were close to becoming engaged; anyways we grew apart and it was definitely for the better.

So, as soon as I was single there was the usual “rebound.” I think it was more that I was afraid of being alone than anything. Then I realized that I would be fine living the single life until I found someone. Weeks went by and I met a guy.

Now, this guy was five years older, which isn’t a big deal, technically married, and had a girlfriend. Yes, ladies and gentlemen what in the world was I thinking?? We ended up hooking up while he was still with his girlfriend. And he made it clear that all he wanted was to “hook-up,” even though he kept telling me how much he liked me, better than his girlfriend, which I am NOT ok with.

While we “hooked-up” all I could think about was, “is this gonna go anywhere?” Then of course the thought of his poor girlfriend did cross my mind. That too was another reason why I wouldn’t want to see myself with him – once a cheater always a cheater. Who’s to say he would not cheat again? Most likely he would.

So I got over it and decided to move on and forget guys for awhile. Too much of this drama was driving my crazy. I went to a party with my friend and very unexpectantly met a great guy!

We ended up talking for hours and hit things off right away. Later I had found out that the other guy (the one with the gf) dumped his girlfriend for me.

He was telling me over the phone how he could now give me 100% and see where things could go and that he really cared about me. I was so confused because this guy is completely opposite from me. I’m 21 he’s 26. I’m more conservative and laid back he’s the bad boy type.

I couldn’t truly understand what he was doing? He was saying all the right things to try and trick me into thinking he was some awesome guy. And don’t get me wrong he is a nice guy and good friend, but not my type of guy to be in a long-term relationship with.

At that point I was very confused; I was confused about how I was going to turn that guy down without hurting his feelings. It was obvious that he was playing the field and didn’t care about me. He was trying as hard as he could to get me because he now found himself solo and no girlfriend to sleep with.

The first thing I told him was besides not having the same feelings about him as he did for me, that I couldn’t be with a “cheater.” His response was comical, “ohh I would never cheat on…we would be so close in that I would not have the temptation.” Right after that I got sick to my stomach thinking, “I hooked up with a slime ball.”

Personally, I think that getting to know someone before you get intimate with them shows a lot about the person. It shows that they care about YOU and not only what you look like.

So as you can guess I’m dating the guy I met at my friend’s birthday party and I’m so happy! This guy is completely perfect – great sense of humor, personality, intelligent, and not too mention not bad on the eyes.

Last weekend, he took me to see a movie it was the cutest thing, he did the arm-stretch and put his arm around me. He gives me little butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me – having that feeling makes me realize that I would risk anything right now to make it work between the two of us. And I believe that he is the same way.

I’m excited to see what happens between the two of us and will keep you posted. If I can give any advice I would say, “Take a risk on the unexpected it might just be what you’re looking for…”

So my guy friend and I are laying on my couch watching a movie, and we end up falling asleep. His phone starts ringing at 1:30am…no one ever calls him that late. He woke up and answered it, and I woke up too. I was able to hear that it was a woman on the other line, but I did not want to listen to his conversation. (I am a big believer in treating people as you would like to be treated, and I really don’t like nosy people, so I give others the same respect.) When he got off the phone I asked him, “Is everything okay?” (Even though I was half asleep, my first thought was that it may have been his mom or one of his sisters..I truly am a worry-wart, and after losing my brother I often think the worst when the phone rings at an unusual time…it feels like my heart stops for a moment…the same feeling as when I got the phone call about my brother.)

It was a “yes/no” question, he only had to say one word…instead he says, “oh, that was my buddy Jeremy”…he straight up lied to me…I never thought that he would be the guy to lie to me. I instantly got sick to my stomach, and I started to gag…I am thinking in my head did this really just happen (wishing it was a nightmare). I couldn’t hold back anymore…either I say something or I run to the bathroom to vomit. “You know you don’t have to lie to me, so why did you?” He doesn’t answer. “I asked you a question.” He says, “what?” I said, “Why did you lie to me.” The only thing he could say was, “I don’t know.”

I’m thinking to myself…did he just say “I don’t know”. Then I asked him, “Are you afraid of me or something?” I really did not get it. First off we are not together anymore. About a month prior we decided to take a step back, and just be friends (there are a lot of reasons for this decision, but I’m not going to get into it all. Even though we took a step back we still cared about each other). I did not care about a girl calling him, he is not committed to me, or anything like that…we are friends…but does he go around lying to his other friends too?

Now I am starting to question everything about him…maybe he is not the Prince Charming I thought he was. Sure I never had to open a car door, but I’d rather open a million car doors on my own than have someone that I care about lie to me. Do I even know this guy that I was letting myself falling in love with 4 months ago? Confusion overtook me. Does he even like me…maybe this is all wrong…can he even talk to me…he’s only opened up once, the day we decided to stop dating…is he uncomfortable around me, do I make him uncomfortable…as all of these thoughts are going through my head I was wishing he would just say something…I’m sorry, I was half asleep, and give me a kiss on the forehead or something…why could he not say anything? I felt my eyes swelling up with tears.

I needed to get off the couch and go into my bed. I thought he would leave, but he didn’t. He came up stairs to sleep next to me…I laid there crying as he fell back asleep. My mind still racing as I cushioned my head in the damp pillow…why did he lie, should I talk to him anymore…I have these other guys that seem to really like me, that listen to me, talk with me, and want to be with me and I am blowing them off for him…why? I am not going to call him again, why should I want to talk to him again…he won’t share any deep feelings or emotions with me…it’s just superficial bullshit, and I am not a superficial girl. I care so much, sometimes I think I care too much…I care too much about others, about making everyone happy…are you hungry, thirsty, can I do anything for you? I am not complaining…I like who I am. I just want to be appreciated…I don’t need you to buy me a dozen red rose, I would rather you talk to me, share your life, feelings, emotions, fears, goals, ambitions, and dreams with me…and I will listen and share mine with you.

This is the kicker…he never leaves movies at my house…ever. So, the next morning he woke up and left for work before me. When I got up for work his pile of movies were sitting down stairs on the table…maybe it was an accident, but I remember his hat and something else sitting right next to those movies last night, and those items were gone, so why did he leave the movie?? Did he know how I was feeling that night…did he know that I did not want to talk to him ever again? Did he think that leaving movies at my house would give him another chance?

To be continued…Can I Forgive Him?

I can’t understand why I’m lying here crying…why can’t I just tell him how I feel, why am I so scared? Is it because it is so real?

I’ve done it again, I placed someone of a pedestal and I’m not sure it is where they belong. I need to bring him down to my level, so that I can see him from a different perspective. He’s just like me, he’s not perfect. I have to stop being afraid to tell him how I feel…I guess what I am most afraid of is that I do not know what he will say back…does he really like me? How much? I must like him a lot since I have not been able to get him off my mind.

Do I tell him I think he might be everything I have always been looking for…I’m not sure now, because I am starting to question how much I know him. Once he started pushing away I just shut down…I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. I wasn’t pushing or pulling too much, I was just being me, I mean maybe he doesn’t like me, maybe he wants to find someone else…I guess it is possible that we are not right for each other, I just thought we could be perfect together…I just felt this strong connection with him…I still feel a connection, but it has changed.

I want him to be happy, I want to make him happy, I wish I knew the right thing to do…

The Eskimo have hundreds of words for snow, and we’ve invented three times that many words for relationships, but the more words we invent the harder it becomes to define. In a world where you can date without sex, screw without dating, and in the end keep most of your sex partners as friends long after the screwing is over…what really defines a relationship?

I wrote about the difference between “dating” vs “boyfriend/girlfriend”, but let’s dig a little deeper into relationships.

First I think it is fair to say that any person that you are in a relationship with is also a friend. In friendships/relationships we establish a social relationship, often interpersonal. Interpersonal relationships vary in their many degrees, including intimacy and sharing. Generally people are able to establish a relationship due in fact that they share things in common.

So the relationship has been establish…let’s try to define it. While we have created hundred of words for relationships, I think that we can categorize it down to less than ten: marriage, a long-term romance, lovers, soulmates, boyfriend & girlfriend, significant others, mistress, friends with benefits, or just friends (purely platonic)

Now comes the hard part…sustaining the relationship. Having a lot in common is great, but that is not always enough to withstand relationship woes. More often than not relationships fail due to lack of honest communication and awareness.

To sustain a relationship, you need to be perceptive…listen, pay attention to body language, and sometimes you have to read in between the lines. Remember it is best to maintain interaction, encourage openness, and be completely honest with each other. There is no reason to hide how you feel, even if you are afraid that you may offend your partner. I have learned that keeping your feelings in will not facilitate a closer bond, but rather weaken the bond that was initially created.

You may find it difficult to communicate when you partner builds up a wall, or seems disconnected, but I think there are many ways to open the connection. One of the best ways to open the lines of communication is to ensure that your partner is comfortable with you, and also that they trust you. A good way to instill trust is to share personal details of your own life…maybe tell them something that not everyone knows. By trusting or confiding in them, they may become more comfortable to confide in you. You can share details of your life, your childhood, or your best kept memories. One of my favorite casual and fun ways to learn about a person is to play “never have I ever”…while they are often single statements, it tells you a lot about a person’s character, demeanor, values, and even their sense of humor. Be creative, and open-minded…if you and your partner are looking for the same things, by working together you can both find it!

I guess everyone wants to find that “perfect” relationship, but I think that there are relationship requirements that need to be met in order to even come close to getting it right.

Is it possible to find both a mind blowing physical connection and an intellectual relationship? I guess only time will tell.

What is the difference between “dating” and “boyfriend/girlfriend”?

As adults, it is so difficult to transition from one to the other. Personally, I think the term “boyfriend/girlfriend” can be kinda highschoolish.

So, is there really is a difference? I guess for me it comes down to exclusiveness. If neither person is dating anyone else, or sleeping with anyone else, and at the same time has no desire to, then I guess you could be considered as exclusive. But you can be dating and exclusive…right? Okay, now I am really confused…

I have come to realize that I am not alone in this feeling. As adults, we often don’t go through all the stages like we did in high school. Holding hands, the first kiss, second base…for adults all of this is often bypassed…and it is kinda sad. As adults we go out on a few dates, enjoy drinks, dinner, even a movie together, and then before we know it we end up horizontal.

Thinking back to my high school relationship versus a lot of the relationships that I have sustained after that 5 year relationship ended, none were really the same. I mean once you have sex for the first time, each time after that becomes so much easier. As an adult we become more comfortable with our bodies, and sex is no longer awkward, but rather something that we desire or even crave. The “becoming friends first” part is often overlooked, and maybe that is why as adults we go through so many more relationships than as adolescents. We don’t truly get to know the other person, and feeling are clouded by lust rather than finding true love.

Now I just got into a new relationship (about 2.5 months in), and I am just so confused…I don’t want to skip any steps, or rush anything. I mean we have so much fun together, just laying on the couch together, watching television, and tickling each other. It feels like when I was younger, I mean that scared butterflies feeling…not that we never kissed before, but laying there as our lips get closer, his hands move up my back, and my fingers run through his hair…it is quite exhilarating, and it is not even sex. It is just something that I have not felt in a very long time…and I have no idea what we really are?

To me “dating” is when two people are going out or spending time together regularly…maybe twice a week or so. Things are casual, you are learning about one another, but your lives are not consumed by each other. You are still getting to know one another as people and both of you are spending time to see if there is potential for more commitment there. To me, this is how you find if the person is ‘right’ for you and whether or not you would like to be serious. Dating can be exclusive, or it may not be, but I strongly feel that it needs to be clearly defined.

If nothing serious is wanted by both parties you can just continue dating. If you find there is something wrong with him/her, you can end it. If you both want to pursue a relationship, that usually means the two of you have decided you want to be exclusive and you’re not going to date anyone else besides one another. From there on-out, any certain activities with other girls/guys beyond flirting are more or less going to be considered cheating…at least this is my understand of how a relationship works or moves forward.

So this is how I feel…I don’t need a label or title for what we have, but I think that boundaries or standards need to be set. A serious conversation is needed to talk about what we both want and expect, so that we are both on the same page. I can’t guess what you want, especially when I am getting mixed signals from you.

Questions to ask each other:

• “So, what are we?”
• “Okay, so we are dating…is it exclusive?”
• Still need more information…how about “Do you want to spend romantic time with another person, or do you have the desire to?”
• And the final question…“Are you or do you want to be fucking anyone else besides me?”

I hope I am not coming off rude, but I feel that this is the best way to get the question of “What are we?” clearly defined. At least we both know where the other person stands in regards to our relationship.

At the end of the day, how you are imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of…

I received this e-mail from a visitor on my site…

They all think I’m a pretty face without a heart. No matter what I do my heart gets yanked out, stepped on and thrown to the wolves. Today I vowed never to ever date another man again. Yes, it means I’ve turned to women. With women I can see heartbreak coming but with men, it just slams into me like ton of bricks and I’m left standing there angry, sad and broken.
No more. F**k them. Their loss.

I feel the need to respond.

For those of you who are new to the site, I am ‘a better woman’. I took over as the administrator of ihatemen.org in October 2007, and am trying to gear this site towards helping women to gain happiness…I just want it to be a fun site overall. A place where we can share our experiences, words of wisdom and of course laughter.

In regards to the e-mail:

First, men may see you as a pretty face without a heart because you are wearing that on your sleeve…if your heart has been hurt in the past, you may be making that more obvious than you think. Often after being hurt it is easier for us to act cold hearted rather than really dealing with what has hurt us. If we take the time to working through the pain, then we are able to become a stronger person.

Vowing never to date men every again is a cop out. I know nothing about dating women, but I do know that women can be just as conniving, manipulative, controlling, disloyal, and hurtful as men.

On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust WOMEN! – H.L. Mencken

I think that you first need to address the issues you have with yourself before you try to get into any relationship…whether it be with a man or a woman. I believe that if you are in touch with your own feelings and emotions, you will be better able to read the feelings and emotions of those around you, and in turn see heartbreak coming. And if you are in tune emotionally, and you & your partner are open and honest the possibility of heartbreak will greatly diminish.