I HATE MEN

Unlike men, I would like to show that women can take it, just as much as we can dish it out…us women have a sense of humor! Enjoy.

While ABC News referred to 2004 as “the summer of the Flip-flop” I think they may have gotten a little a head of themselves as 2008 is offering up the best of the best in flip flops.

Flip flops are no longer just for the beach as they can be coordinated with jeans, khakis, skirts and dresses. Several of my friends that have gotten married over the past several years have worn flip flops with their wedding gowns…and I will be no different.

I will be getting married on the beach next year, and let me tell you I will not be trying to wear heels and walk in the sand. Sure I thought about going bare foot, but the sand is truly just too hot. I found the perfect solution…a luxury flip flop. I first saw these sporty flip flops in the April issue of Women’s Health, but when I went on the PecheBlu website I was blown away. They actually make crocodile flip flops.

Check out what I will be wearing for my beach wedding.

Every women know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth, and he takes his life in his hands!

This is a handy communication guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

Dangerous:

• What’s for dinner?
• Are you wearing that?
• Why are you so worked up?
• Should you be eating that?
• What did you DO all day?

Safer:

• Can I help you with dinner?
• Wow, you sure look good in brown!
• Could we be overreacting?
• There are a lot of apples left.
• I hope you didn’t over-do it today.

Safest:

• Where would you like to go for dinner?
• Wow! Look at you!
• Here’s my paycheck.
• Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
• I’ve always loved you in that robe!

Ultra Safe:

• Here, have some wine.
• Here, have some wine.
• Here, have some wine.
• Here, have some wine.
• Here, have some wine.

Maternity leave would last two years… with full pay.

There would be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s 1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

Women would rule the world!!

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Susprect

Here’s 30 harsh things a woman can say to a naked man.

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s okay, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… I just got a flash headache.
11. (Giggling and pointing)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife, “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill.” She says nothing and ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill. Then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!” She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”

A man leaves home to go fight in the Crusades and decides that his wife should wear a chastity belt in his absence. So he locks her up and gives the key to his best friend.

He tells him, “If I’m not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

The husband leaves on horseback and about half an hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.

“What’s wrong?”, he asks.

“You gave me the wrong key.”

I’m hungry = I’m hungry.
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy.
I’m tired = I’m tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let’s have sex now.
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I’d like to have sex with you.
I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay