Confessions of a narcissist

WHEN a reader saw an article by Amanda Platell last week entitled ‘Why some men enjoy humiliating women’ he was “struck by an all too familiar recognition of my own controlling behaviours”.

This is his remarkable story, in his own words. He has chosen to remain anonymous for the sake of his career and all who loved him, only to be hurt by him:

IN public, I am a successful, charismatic, well-liked person who is gregarious, always the life of the party and almost certainly is always the centre of attention.

However, “behind closed doors”, I am a manipulative, deceitful, scheming, calculating person who is constantly seeking to “manage” events and the people around me.

As a control freak, I will only keep friends close if I feel they will afford me the respect I think I deserve. When the adoration and respect stops, invariably, so too does the friendship.

Those close to me however, in a so-called loving relationship, don’t have the good fortune of me walking away. Not only am I not going anywhere, I am going to make it almost impossible for my partner to leave. If my controlling actions have been successful (as they invariably are), any partner of mine will have been convinced that they are next to useless, and that they cannot possibly survive without me.

My most recent ex-spouse was a lively, self-confident, vibrant, gentle and carefree loving person when we met, who was successful and working towards an acting career. Over fifteen long years, I managed to turn this wonderful person into a fearful, paranoid, drug-taking, diagnosed depressed person with absolutely no zest for life and robbed of all ambition and self-respect.

Fortunately, my ex-spouse eventually worked up the courage and found enough self-belief to walk away, and while it has been difficult for my ex-partner, there is now a renewed sense of self-worth, success and ambition coming to the fore once again.

Over the last few years through my journey of self-discovery, I have finally come to the view that I am dangerous for any loving partner and have vowed to never subject myself on a partner again. I have finally found some empathy for others and am proud of my ex-spouse for leaving and for climbing out of the black hole created through my constant emotional and psychological abuse.

The burning question of course is why am I a control freak? Why do I need to manipulate and dominate events and people around me? Why do I belittle my partners and make them feel worthless?

Believe it or not, it’s because I have a very poor opinion of myself. In an absolutely pathetic piece of irony, my controlling behaviour is designed to provide me with some feeling of positive self-belief, because the reality is, I have extremely poor self-esteem.

Partners, friends, colleagues, even the guy at the local shop, are all seen as sources of self-esteem. I am constantly going to seek validation and praise from those around me. Because I have such a low opinion of myself, I am constantly going to challenge a partner to “prove” their love for me. Unfortunately, this will often be done by reducing my partner’s opinion of themselves, to the point where they become dependent on me both financially and emotionally, thereby reinforcing my own self-worth.

The medical community has now defined this “affliction” as a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Maybe it’s a cop-out to look for some label for what I’ve done over the years and thereby somehow shift the responsibility for my wrong behaviours on some “dis-ease”. In my case, I endured a very abusive childhood and clearly, I decided the only way to hide my inadequacies and self-doubt was to present a strong character and convince everyone around me that I was worthy of praise and respect.

Don’t get me wrong. My controlling behaviours are not right. They are the sign of a weak person – someone who needs validation from those around me to provide me with a sense of self-worth. But I have discovered that very few Control Freaks or NPDs are aware, nor are prepared to admit, that they have misgivings … for to do so, would be an acceptance of their own inadequacies and a reinforcement of their own poor self-esteem.

Even when they are aware of their abject flaws, as I am, the behaviour of a Control Freak or NPD is so ingrained and part of our DNA that it is difficult to change.

So much so, that even psychologists are reluctant to “take us on”, because ultimately, we don’t believe that “anyone knows better than us” and we will not provide the “expert” with any kudos and will believe that we know better than they do. This is why marriage counselling or couple therapy will not work for the Control Freak or NPD in denial – nobody knows anything better than we do!

In summary, a Control Freak or NPD who is not evolved enough to understand who they or are or why they behave the way they do, is best to be avoided … no only to be avoided, but to run away from. They will not give up, regardless of what they say, what they do or what they are prepared to promise – they cannot be trusted and they will continue to find ways to make you adore them … and watch out if you don’t!

Ultimately, if you are in a relationship with one of these people (male or female), you will not survive with your dignity, self-respect or self-esteem intact. As Rudyard Kipling once said, “there are many reasons, but not many excuses”. Unless and until a control freak or NPD is willing to accept who they are and why they do what they do, there will be no change in their behaviour. Don’t get me wrong, we are not victims, we are people who are not evolved enough to understand that we need to find our self-esteem through ourselves and not through others.

As someone who has perpetrated controlling behaviours against a series of partners over 30 years, my strong advice to anyone involved in relationship with a Control Freak or NPD is … GET OUT, as fast as you can. There are plenty of freethinking, self-assured potential partners out there who are willing to accept you for who you are and encourage you to be the best person you can be. Unlike the Control Freak or NPD, who will only continue to use you as a tool for their own self-gratification and self-worth.

Shazz

19 Responses to “Confessions of a narcissist”

  1. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    Now take a really good look at our resident Trolls post.. does this honestly seem like a female saying this? ……or could it be our old arch idiot male Kelly Strom back again.

    Ask Muzolf, zombi and especially Honeybunch about him. He’s back .. he posted last night but was hauled up by the auto mod. He couldnt beat me down last time and Im damned if Im going to let the little pus ball beat me this time. He was getting ignored as lisa so he came in as ‘anonymous’ to test the waters… but he totally forgot I already know his story and I recognized it straight off.

    .

    I think shakethehobbit would have had a good response to that one.

    Alas, she’s banned.

    Banned because she asked for punishing the male members for their obnoxious comments and insults towards women.

    Foxy is banned too. And agirl. And countless other females.

    This site, owned by a man, is meant to humiliate women, not to support them.

    Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

    Banning honest people, changing user nicknames, changing their comments content, what else are you capable of, shazz? Is it true you post as a few members yourself, pretending to be various persons, while at the same time lying to other members about the identity of all those whom you banned? Manipulative scum. This site needs a new moderator, now. Shazz, have at least a bit of dignity and RESIGN.

    —————————————————————————–

    “did you know that Shakethehobbit threatened to kill herself?”

    I didn’t know that. To ban a person who is suicidal is the LAST appropriate thing to do. It might have triggered her to harm herself! Now that you tell me about it, I’m even more worried about shakethehobbit and even more repulsed by what a scumbag shazz is!

    www .ihatemen.org/2013/06/18/ive-hated-males-since-i-was-a-tiny-girl/#comments

    Remove the space after “www” and see for yourself how unfairly she got banned.

    @2ugly2love, I’m glad that you managed to read it before he deleted it, but I’ll post it anyway, as I believe deleting legitimate posts is something that should be fought against.

    —————————————————————————–

    Just as pathetic as I thought you are, shazz.

    Now I see he banned agirl as well. Everyone to speak up will be banned, how fragile ego must he have not be able to handle any criticism and ban people not to hear their opinions.

    “shazz says
    No genuine poster is EVER banned”

    LOL. Who are you kidding? Shakethehobbit was banned, was she a troll? Foxy was banned, was she a troll? They were genuine posters and valuable members, sharing their stories and experiences in their posts, only to be ridiculed by some misogynists to the joy of the admin. Honestly, you need some therapy for sadistic tendencies.

    I was a genuine poster myself, when you decided to ban me for no reason. Challenging admin’s authority, what bullshit is that, you have no authority, you can’t even ban my IP address though you promised to do so, you’re a joke of an admin, you have no idea about the IT stuff, just learned to delete comments and ban people, that’s all.

    @Sandy, I’m afraid he’ll ban you as well, until his thirst is satisfied. Just count how many women he banned so far – for those of you who don’t know, whenever he bans a member, their picture changes into what agirl’s now is.

    @agirl, when you’re ready with your website, send me a message (peacemaker at post dot com), I’d love to join a place where women would be respected, not abused like on this site.

    Like I said, my comments will be here, no matter how many times they get removed (sorry girls for the inconvenience, he keeps deleting my comments, so I post this a few more times).

    ******* Shazz, have at least a bit of dignity and RESIGN *******

    —————————————————————————–

    Sandy, I’ve read a lot of old posts on this site, from last year etc, and shazz admits this site is owned by a man and he created it for the purpose of mocking women.

    I’m not sure whether shazz isn’t a man in fact, I see that in every discussion s/he takes men’s side whenever there’s any disagreement between members. And it’s been like that in last year threads as well, this muzolf thing mocking other members (female) and getting away with it, while shazz would only intervene when an insulted woman tells him a few harsh words – then shazz says something like:
    Enough, the pair of you!
    Failing to notice that it was the guy who started it all and went over the limits, and if the girl doesn’t respond to his insults, shazz would do nothing.

    A new moderator, you mean Rock Crystal? Isn’t it shazz’s alter ego? Well, this one is definitely a man, he doesn’t even pretend to be a woman. I don’t think men should be allowed anywhere near power or control.

    —————————————————————————–

    Frenchy-Froggy says
    “If a new site is created by agirl where women aren’t mocked or insulted by mysogynists as it is the case here, please, keep me abreast! I’d love to visit and post on a such a site regularly. It’s so sad to realise that even here we can’t express ourselves about what we feel and what the truth about men really is.
    I’m so fed up too with the stupid comments from muzzolf and other males. It seems that freedom of expression is forbidden for women everywhere.”

    OK, if I get wind of the new site, I’m gonna spam the board all over with its address ;)

  2. Avatar of Kayleigh Kayleigh says:

    Ok Shazz, this article reveals some truths about NPD. However, the striking honesty and apologetic tone in which the story is told makes it less credible to be coming from a man. It’s more of a man’s deeds story filtered through a woman’s mind. It’s too… how should I put it… soapy? :)

    The “esprit de corps” makes it a good story though.

    I personally give more credibility to all those “How to detect a…” articles from the diverse psychology related websites and magazines.

  3. Avatar of Iain321 Iain321 says:

    Just keep deleting, deleting, deleting. Its just important to remember even if you hate men you still don’t want to be bored by tons and tons of the same message over and over.

    I’m not sure even having this post is giving “him” to much reward to only way is for everyone to ignore “him”.

    However its a shame frenchfroggey has become a victim as well. The best advice you gave agirl was to research troll behaviour if she doesn’t. The likes of “Liza” and “Hazzmaty” will destroy her web.You cant block every man if you have an open site. Its impossible.

  4. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    Our friend Kelly sounds exactly like that too.. here is last nights post. He and “lisa” both make the SAME mistake when posting. (naturally I wont be sharing.. have to keep some secrets) :)

    (and my thanks go to Rock for holding the fort while I was away)

    I will post more of his earlier ones later.. the older members will remember the hell we went through until we got rid of him.

    >>Wow, is this site still up.

    I totally agree that most men are disgusting pigs, but then again, so are most women. From my own experience with women, they seem to only care about sex and fighting with one another. There vanity is truly sickening. I only have one female friend and she is wonderful, but I’m sure she is a rarity when it comes to the female gender. I’ve tried to make friends with other females only to have them throw themselves at me for sex. Married women are the worst of the pack. Just because they have a ring on their finger doesn’t mean you are safe from their sexual advances. In fact, it seems to make them more aggressive.
    And being stocked by one of these aggressive females is truly frightening to say the least. My former psychologist and her friend tried this with me. I had to go to the state bar examiner and report her.
    Yeah . . . she was married with several kids.

    Somebody posted that shazz is actually a man — very possible this is accurate.

  5. Avatar of Kayleigh Kayleigh says:

    So Shazz, are you a guy or not? Give us all the spicy details. :P

  6. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    BINGO……..he just took the bait.

    >>anonymous

    Submitted on 2013/07/16 at 6:14 pm

    People suck, especially women!

    You are busted kelly strom.. totally. Time to leave, theres nothing for you here anymore you pathetic man child.

  7. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    @Kayleigh: Im a woman, a mother and a grandmother, a business owner .. and happily (newly) re-married. I have been through a lot of what the women here post about.. just managed to deal with it and move on.

  8. Avatar of flipflop flipflop says:

    I’ve read the article, i doubt the author really feels what he says, but he understands what is right and what is wrong, but i doubt he feels anything, after putting so much effort into what he does there’s only pleasure, writing this article and getting attention even if it’s anonymous it’s a pleasure too.

  9. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    My guess is he feels a loss…… because he hasnt got a woman to focus on at the moment, and that means he has to look at what he has become.
    Kelly strom is like that.. he admits his faults after you call him out and refuse to give in to his shit. (that is AFTER he had made life on this site a living misery)

    …Kelly strom (aka Melatonin dreams wrote)
    I started treating every women that had feelings for me like crap. I was a monster.

    Their feelings were nothing but a game/play toy for me. I permanently damage ever one of them and laughed about it. It gave me a faults sense of power. I thought I had power over women, but in the end I was only harming myself and others.

    Now . . . I sit alone with all those memories haunting me. So many people thinking that I’m evil. I cannot get those images of all those
    women crying out of my head.

    I just want to tell SicOfthem that you are going down the wrong path. You are going to hurt innocent people and yourself.

    Someday you’ll wake up and see that you are all alone. All you will have soon is guilt and hate, hate for yourself.

    Everywhere I go I’m afraid my reputation will follow me. Every women I talk to I feel that she knows what I have done in my past. Guilt is
    consuming me now.

    I created my own prison and guilt has sentenced me to life.

    So . . . if that is what you want for yourself, SicOfthem, then just keep going down that path.It won’t be too long now you will be changing your name to SicOfmyself soon.

    Then 6 months later the little turd gets bored…comes back in and starts all over again. He hates that I wont let him win.

  10. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    kelly strom says
    ******* Shazz, we’re all waiting for you to RESIGN *******
    you’ve already proven you’re a shit of an admin, spare yourself more shame and make everyone a favour of not inventing things up (or are you really that paranoid to think that whenever someone disagrees with you, it must be just one person – sorry to enlighten you but it’s not just me, in fact most women here are against your sick policy of letting men humiliate women in the comments section)

    ******* Shazz, we’re all waiting for you to RESIGN *******

    Bored now kelly.. you have failed. Move on and get a life.

  11. Avatar of Kayleigh Kayleigh says:

    @Shazz: Thanks for the clarification. :) And congrats for the newly married life.

    This spam chain is getting really boring. And since I’ve noticed from older posts that comments can be reviewed before being published, can’t you just lock the automatic posting instead? ;) All this spam will end up on a long waiting list before polluting the threads.

  12. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    Thank you. Its certainly a huge change, Ive been single for many years. :)

    Looking into it. I had thought about it as a last ditch effort ….. it looks like its coming to that. Cant be bothered with his crap any longer.. and poor Rock is worn out.

    Im thinking kelly probably needs to increase his Meds.

  13. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    (from the TROLL) @Kayleigh, he’d do this, if he had any idea about IT. But he can’t even ban a single IP address, so don’t expect too much from him ;)
    He was assigned an admin of this site just for his misogynistic attitude, not for any qualifications.

    .

    Ok just to prove a point about the lies and Im sure Iain will verify the futility in banning proxies…The Troll has used (so far) 14 proxy IP’s (and they are just the ones we were counting).. not to mention about over 20 account names. We have a huge file on him now..

    5.173.220.199
    31.174.78.107
    188.33.235.145
    5.173.230.138
    31.175.85.133
    188.33.159.101
    31.174.106.130
    31.174.221.186
    188.33.156.37
    31.174.17.208
    31.174.217.68
    188.33.8.180
    31.175.147.159
    5.173.149.0

    We can ban all day and the sad little pus ball is soooo OCD that he just signs up with a new one. Same as deleting his accounts. He must be sitting there with 4 windows open and working flat out to keep up with me. lol

    Roll on the new school year and the dork goes back to his IT training. Im sure he is going to flunk though…..he is a raging novice at this. :D

  14. Avatar of Iain321 Iain321 says:

    I would support putting all posts to moderation. It will soon end this nonsense. Look at the other thread there’s 20 posts of his before you get to my point which is addressing the topic of the post poor Sretah her posts are always abused by this idiot and she’s actually addressing real life issues. Shows how little respect he has for women really.

  15. Avatar of Iain321 Iain321 says:

    You correct of course about banning IP addresses all you have to do is unplug the modem and plug it in again to get a new IP address. Proxes as well I’m sure he’s got quite the computer set up. I have one phone. This guy clearly has a very advanced computer system. Probably using different proxies all at the same time and switching between them as soon as one gets blocked.

  16. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    >>I would support putting all posts to moderation. It will soon end this nonsense.

    Thats a big step on any website.. but I have put it to the owner and Im waiting on a reply. It would certainly be easier for us all and with extra Mods watching.. there shouldnt be too much delay.

    >>Probably using different proxies all at the same time and switching between them as soon as one gets blocked.

    He was going to uni last year when he started trolling here… idiot used his own IP and we traced him to his apartment. After that he used proxies.

    Yes we can ignore him…. but he wont give up once he has targeted someone.. until they shame him so badly he has to slink off with his tail between his legs. What a dreadfully sad life he must lead.

  17. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    >>BRAVO shazz for proving you’re an idiot ;) Anyone can now look for those IPs and see they are NOT proxies and I am NOT from America as you and your troll friends. But you don’t even know where to check for details about an IP address. Poor you.

    5.173.220.199 [Spam Server]

    The system has detected behavior from the IP address consistent with that of a mail server. Below we’ve reported some other data associated with this IP. This interrelated data helps map spammers’ networks and aids in law enforcement efforts.

    Suck it up strom.. you lie. They ARE proxies but it dosent help you…I know exactly where you are and last time I looked, it was still a state of the USA. :D

  18. Avatar of Kayleigh Kayleigh says:

    I fully support Iain321′s support of putting all posts to moderation. DHCP setup is obviously not rocket science. More like at reach and redundantly easy to (ab)use by some individuals with nothing better to do during the day/night.

    Plus, this spam message is becoming more and more like a customer service notification. With answers to all sorts of questions. :P I’m quoted twice, that must be a divine sign…

    @KELLY STROM – THE TROLL: I need 24 more points to become a veteran. Could you please spam my threads 24 times? I have 3 posts, so make it 8 spams per posts. Thanks a lot in advance. ;)

  19. Avatar of shazz shazz says:

    I need 24 more points to become a veteran. Could you please spam my threads 24 times?

    LOL

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