Losing the battle of his heart even before I had a chance to really fight
About six, maybe seven or eight, months ago I was dating a guy I was… let’s just say, Obsessed with. God, he was adorable. And he had this crazy calming, yet so exciting effect on me. It was thrilling and amazing and I loved every minute of it.
Every time I saw or even sensed his presence in a room with me: My legs would start to go numb. My heart would race too fast. My head would lose all sense of time. My body would go cold and hot at the same time. And I would just shake from the sudden change.
I am naturally level headed and secure in myself and Men don’t effect me, but I was different around him. He would rock my boat by just being there. And I was “obsessed” with him in my own way.
By the word Obsessed, most people think, She stalked him. Always called his phone. Texted him all the time. Asking where he’s at. What he’s doing… Blah, Blah, Blah. Practically suffocated the life out of the poor guy no wonder he just disappeared.
Well, I never did much really. Honestly I don’t think I did enough to keep his attention and he got very bored with me.
In March of 09, my best friend saw him and talked to him. Told him I liked him. Thought he was cute. At that time I just saw him as cute and masculine. Not a potential boyfriend, but I told my friend to just give my phone number to him if she ever saw him again because apparently she saw him more than me. She happened to see him the very next night in the video store she worked in. Surprise, Surprise. She talked to him, told him about me, and gave him my number. When she told me the next night, I was like Awesome.
Now I had met a guy who I actually liked for face value as well as personality. Usually for me to like a guy I had to get to know him first. Well, he called the night after he got my phone number. I was nervous as fuck talking to him on the phone. I had never done this before.
He was nice to me. Patient enough. That weekend we went on our first date. We went to a party at my best friend’s house cause that’s where I felt most comfortable and he seemed to understand that when I talked to him. It was nice, but some people showed up that I barely knew, but he knew well. He practically just sat next to me and talked to them the whole time. I was really nervous. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t steady enough with myself to interrupt and I definitely didn’t want to come across as rude. Well that party ended and he walked me home. We finally got to talk a lot about a lot which I thought was too much, but couldn’t stop. It was ok, I guess, but I knew I was too freaking happy to care, but I didn’t get to kiss him.
Two nights later, he walked into the mini shop I worked at. I was just getting off work and he was running in to grab some hangers because he was about to go to sea in a month. Yes, the Guy’s a sailor. I’m a sailor’s daughter so it’s common. Anyway, he was surprised to see me or maybe just acted it, but I knew he was there even tho I had my back to him. He had gotten what he needed and was headed out the door just after me so I decided to stop and talk to him. We talked in front of that store for like 3 hrs. He complimented me on my eyes which are very blue when I am extremely happy and I just about burst in craziness. To me, my eyes are my most prized possession. Then he asked me out on another Split Second date for that night to a mystery movie he was going to see set up for single sailors and their dates. I didn’t have anything else to do so I went. We hung out with like two of his friends who tagged along to the movie as well. One of them I liked instantly. He was just likable and friendly, but the other was a bit rude and I avoided him. They thought he had scared me or something. The movie that played was Friday the 13th. I am terrified of horror films, but love to just get freaked out sometimes. It was a better night than our last one and it ended in a kiss that made me so lightheaded I was scared I’d faint.
However, it didn’t last. I didn’t hear from him for a good week and a half after that so I did the inevitable, I called him. I asked him out on a date. A quick dinner date for us then a jump down to my friend’s house to chill at their get-together fling they were having that night. My best friend loved it when I brought him out to see her family cause they both spoke Spanish. They loved just chatting. My best friend is already married with a child so I didn’t feel any jealousy and I liked bringing him around because her and her husband are fun. That night tho he was tired and you could tell so I didn’t force or try to do too much, but I did get another kiss. It felt different tho like he want to get away.
After that night, two weeks went by and nothing. I saw him in a food court with the friend I didn’t like and they were going mountain biking. Cool, but I wasn’t invited. I left it alone. Two nights later we saw each other in a electronics store in the Playstation aisle. I needed a new set up for my system. The Guy thought that was cool, but there were the friends I didn’t like, but I was nice anyway. I definitely tried not to be anything but nice. Then one of his training pedi officers came up and the Guy hugged her. Yes, Her. A woman. I don’t care how old she was and that there is a law against lower ranks dating higher ranks, but I was immediately jealous. I didn’t say anything to show it tho. Mask it, mask it, mask it. That’s all I did. After that they went for ice cream, he didn’t invite me so I left. Starting to hurt cause I knew I was losing. I never showed too much emotion because we were still in the first month of dating, ya know.
After that, another week passed. I called him. Asked him to lunch on Sunday. Only day he seemed to not be working. The Guy agreed, but the lunch was slow. We barely talked and it seemed to become uncomfortable. I was sad I got no kiss or even a hug, but I didn’t push the issue.
The Guy left on that next Monday for a DET. Basically he goes to another country where he had to work with his squadron (group of fellow sailors he’s told to work with) for a week. I know all the terms for what he was doing, but most people don’t live the lifestyle I have had to live so I am forced to explain what one simple word means.
Anyway, he came back. I never saw or heard from him after that Sunday. I didn’t try to call him. Two months before he left for the DET I had spent dating, hoping, waiting for him to go to the BF/GF stage. Then he just disappears. I felt something was wrong, bad.
I never hear or see the Guy until one month later I see him at a bar with his “friends.” The whole base has about a week away from five different squadrons going out to sea for the next three months including him. I’m with three other guys at like 1 in the morning at a karaoke bar. One of them was really horny for me and touching me. I didn’t stop him, but I didn’t encourage him either. The Guy notices me, but I saw him first so I pretend like I don’t see him the whole time I’m there. Call me heartless, but it hurt just knowing he was there. I leave with my group at like 5 in the morning to go back somewhere to crash till I can get sober and go home.
The very next night, I’m in the video store with my best friend while she is working, giving her dinner and chatting. A guy friend standing with us who knows I was dating that guy sees him in the store and says to me, “Hey Annastasia! Look it’s HIM!” so loud practically the whole store heard him say it. The only problem with his attempt and me noticing him was I felt him there first, but I didn’t turn around. I stayed put, looking at my best friend with a hurt look on my face, and replied loud enough for my friends and the Guy to hear, “I know, Dude. I saw him.”
Then I walked behind a shelf and stayed there till I heard the Guy and his friends leave. I knew he was mad, felt shunned, but it wasn’t anything to me hurting because I knew I had already given to much of my heart to him without even having sex. Isn’t that amazing what some of us women do.
You’d think it was cause he was the first guy I really liked, but no. Not true. I liked another when I was 15. That one hurt a lot too, but I knew from the beginning we would never even date. I just liked him. This Guy, I fell for without realizing it or wanting to. It has yet to heal or go away.
Now everytime I see him from a distance I run the other way or avoid bringing attention to myself. One time he saw me after that last time in the vid store and he was rude to me. Didn’t really say anything, just looked at me, glared, and slammed out the store I was in. I still melt, fall into pieces, become jello when I see him, but I lost. Now I can’t hold down or handle a relationship at all. It’s depressing really.
This post was submitted by Annastasia.
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Whoa, sweetie, i’ve been through a very similar experiance, except mine started as a friendship, and progressed. And it was my best friend who was also a girl, so it was even more of a suprise to me to realise I liked her.
Relationships hurt, and it will take you a few years to get over this! Maybe 1, 2 or 3 or more! Who knows? It’s been 2 years for me, and I’ve not been able to hold down a relationship either, and now I’ve gotten to a point I dont want one unless I can find some of that addictive feeling again. Your ‘obsession’ was not completely FOR him, but you were obsessed with the effect he had on you, the way he made you feel light headed and shake, the jumping in your stomach when you thought about kissing him? Does that sound familiar? So you weren’t ‘obsessed, obsessed’ as you said yourself. You were just addicted to him, and the effects he had on you. Totally normal for us females hunny. Sometimes being a woman is a curse, and it’s a shame men will never get to feel any of the emotional bonds that we do. Men were born with one instinct; to mate. Thats it, thats all, thats all it will ever be. It’s society that tells them otherwise, but thats all they feel biologically. We women were born with a deep emotional attachment that would bind us to our child and will us to care and nurture it until it is old enough. Look at the octopus and what she does for her babies. We were born with these greater emotions so we could be good mothers, men were born more related to deer than they are to emporer penguins, in the sense that they fight with each other, shag as many woman as they can, then fuck off. Basic nature, want something loyal? Get a dog, or get yourself a good group of girlfriends, and have a boy on the side for sex. Because all men, will be like this one you’ve just described.
~ Tibbles