What’s the alternative to constant heartbreak?

Posted on by

I’ve just had my heart smashed again. I’m mid-twenties, attractive, smart & educated, social, and I do attract men. Yet for the past four and a half years, every “relationship” has lasted either a night or a month or two.

Most recently, I started hanging out with this cool local bartender. Really fun, we hung out every night for the past week. Dinner, tv nights on the couch, parties… It was fun. Yes we slept together a few times and it was good. I even asked if he was just looking for friendship or if he liked me. He responded that it freaked him out when girls asked that, but that yes he liked me and I’m the only one he’s with right now.

And then last night, after an entire week of hanging out together, he ignored my text. I called a few hours later and was sent straight to voicemail. I fell apart. Today when he texted me (completely unrelated to my text last night), I said we should just be friends and he responded “that’s fine.” No protest. He could care less.

I can’t do this anymore. I want a partner – companionship, a lover, and eventually a family. But guys lose interest so fast, it’s hard to keep having hope. I just want to sell all my stuff and move to another country and live far away from anyone so I stop getting my hopes up for the life I really want.

What’s the alternative to having to keep putting yourself out there? To keep being embarrassed and eventually brushed aside once a guy loses interest?

This post was submitted by Janie.

  • Marge Temple

    The alternative is to find someone that wants what you want. You can’t make anyone love you or force your ideas on them. Until this happens, stop beating yourself up and move on with your life. Stop fooling yourself by refusing to see the warning signs that HE ISN’T THAT INTO YOU. Too many women equate sex with love, where as most men equate sex with pleasure. Love and Babies are the furthest thing from a man’smind when their other head is in control.

    Good Luck

  • Annastasia

    I understand where you are coming from. I am in my early twenties and tho I don’t want a husband or a family anytime soon (at least not till I’m thirty), I still want a companion for a few good years to share so much with.

    And yet, for being so young and I have been thru way too much for my age. I know a lot of the warning signs, but that sounded like he wanted only sex even tho he was disguising with other things as well. You slept with him way too much. You should have made him wait a long while before ever letting him get what he wanted.

    Biggest reason why when I meet a new guy I come straight up and ask sex or something more? Most men are stunned by my boldness, but I’m not ever deterred from my ways or hurt too much. tho at times I have some pretty hard downfalls cause people like us, We cannot help ourselves with letting so much go into a relationship even if only for a night or a month.

  • Sarah

    Stop having sex for awhile. Take a break from dating and men.

    Take sometime for yourself.

    Take Care

  • stupidlady

    I am very sorry for you. I know where you live. You really want Mr. Right and Not Mr. Right now, but we as women want love and attention if only for one night or one month hoping for more. I’ve tried it al1, with holding sex for a week or two, or having sex the first time I’ve set eyes on someone! Whoa. It’s not a science that anyone can predict when we meet our match. Just pray that God will bring someone into your life at the right time who wants to stay. It’s so true, “if it wasn’t love, it was a learning lesson.” Keep the faith.

  • Sando

    Now this is more a real situation not a belittling. As you are probably aware i am male and it goes on both sides of the gender. It happens to us too SHock Shock!!! I decided not to be with women anymore. I am left broken, my children to the same woman stolen and i just don’t feel the same cute love i ever felt for women now. You could say my love is gone and i am empty inside after all the hurt. I work mainly with women in a child enviroment but never do i step over the line with them. I am good looking like you and always get comments but i ignore it all and just do my job. Some i have been friends with and had lots of fun with but my heart is too broken now to ever feel the same way i did about a woman. I have given up and now do not even try dating. Finding sex or anything. Hence the reason there is a gender war going on. Oh yeah Stupidlady i am a guy who loves deeply and i am the one who lets you know but noone ever wants it, i mean no woman ever wants it so now my days i keep it to me. That hurts a lot because i just want to love with all my heart and am so full of anger that my head just aches everyday now. I haven’t been with or tried to pursue a woman in 2 years now, that is how i have been treated. My love taken for granted and not wanted. I feel worthless. I look at my little girls beds that i dress in pretty colours and fairies but there mum has kept them from me for nearly a year now and it isn’t anything i did to them. I look at there beds evryday and there bedroom with all there little clothes and toys and cry myself to sleep every night. This is what women have done to me all because i give love and its not wanted.

  • Sando

    I will also tell you that some of these women friends are disappointed that i can’t be with any of them. They see the real me and like me a lot but i tell them i can not while i feel the way i do. I tell them satraight away because i believe in honesty. I am just too scared now to even consider anything with a woman and everyday i also contemplate suicide. This is because my purpose on this earth was for love and while noone wants it i am purposeless. There is no point me being on this earth. My beautiful Angel i was going to marry 2 years ago really stole the dream from inside me. I see black evry night now and yearn for her but can’t have her now even if she let me. I am just a dead man walking

  • Jo

    Sando please dont feel this way! However i know what you mean when you say about giving up on the opposite sex..if you want someone to talk to just to offload on email me at jojosimmo@hotmail.com

  • sara

    i agree with how your feeling , i am officially taking 2010 all to myself i refuse to date men or even sleep with them infact i probably wont even speak to men for awhile in any setting that might seem like im interested in the (ie, clubs, parties,things of that nature) im so angry with how i have been treated by men that the only way i can think of never getting treated like that again is to simply not allow myself to engage men at all . im actually really excited and i know this may seem mean spirited but i can’t wait to turn all the men down that will try and talk to me this year i will feel vindicated !!!

  • Andrea

    I know exactly where you are coming from. I am a very sexual person, unfortunately, men think you are trash if you make it to easy for them. They also lose interest whether you sleep with them or not. The only thing screwing them early on does is speed up the time-line. They will lose interest in you after you screw them regardless of how soon. All of them will cheat even if it does progress to a so-called relationship, I guarantee it.

    If you want sex, have one-night stands, much easier then friends with benefits. No such thing, just cheap-ass mean looking for easy lays and calling you a friend, which is the furthest thing from the truth.

    Also, men that come on hot-and-heavy are usually full of shit. It only lasts a week or maybe a month, but that’s it. Again, it doesn’t matter if you sleep with them or not, the outcome is the same.

  • Cindyd

    Jeesh, it’s awful that this is the sad awful truth. It only takes a moment of temptation in their face and any of that love they may have had for you goes out the window! Men are dogs on a hunt ALWAYS! I feel the avoiding and being mean is the only thing that I can do to keep from being hurt period. Even men that I have respect for as father figures come onto me. It’s really a let down. I’ll be that old pissed off woman who dies by herself!

  • Kyra

    Janie

    I feel you… part of what you said was my story…

    I can say i’m less resentful today… this website helped me to vent most of my anger towards men…

    Right now all i can tell you is that it’s a bit of a choice.

    Just don’t give them sex, if you want a companion, and when you want it over have sex with them.

    I do have male friends, two of them could relate to father figures and also i have a good relationship with my own father.
    What i found out is that with men as friends it can be a really cool relationship, women usually are not so demanding with sex as men are… so:

    Have sex with those men you don’t love and are atracted to, never more than two times or you’ll get attached.
    and be friends with the ones you love. You also can pretend to have sex with the man you don’t love as if it was with the one you love. They don’t get hurt for being used in sex, they may thank you actually…

    Friends will give you the male company you want, the sex-buds the caressing touch you need. of course if one of the friends kisses you in something less than a two year friendship… you know it will end if you go that path, so give them the friendship card and see if they last as friends. After a two year old friendship… well make the guy fight for you another year on the dry and if he is still going for you… give it a try – only in case he has no cheating history.

    I haven’t tested this… but it made sense to me. a very cool movie I think relates to this is ” My best friend’s girlfriend” is very funny and Kate Hudson kind of gives the example of a Babe In Total Control of Herself while dealing with a complete self assumed asshole.

    Don’t expect a prince charming, they really don’t exist. So you need to dry your tears and don’t expect anything from men anymore. You are the one who has to evaluate their proposals and guarantee that they are and will continue to give you what you want…. Simply math:

    NO Sex- relationship/friendship lasts still holding the bairgain, still making him give YOU what you want.

    Give sex- Everything ends, no bargain he got what he wanted while you loose what you wanted.

    I’m a bit older than mid-twenties and what you are going through I went through and it hasn’t change.
    It will go on being a bit the same, guys look at me too and i already know that the talk is from the hormones down below. They are hungry poor fellas so i sing them Pink’s song “It’s just you and your hand tonight hon…”

    Sherry Argov said intersting things about this:

    “As you are making a concerted effort to keep the relationship out of the bedroom, remember his objective will be different than yours. You want your feet on the floor; he wants them in the air.” pg64

    “Before sex, a man isn’t thinking clearly and a woman is thinking clearly. After sex, it reverses. The man is thinking clearly and the woman isn’t.” pg 59

    Chear up, life is not just about men… Wait a while, grow up, travel, do other things and leave love on the shelve for a while or don’t take it seriously, have fun. It takes time to learn how love business really works and i’m not talking money here. Not every one can afford expensive shoes so make them pay….
    …For you and the shoes… and if they are poor well they just have to pay the mortagate first before getting “INSIDE” the house.

    ;)

  • Annie

    Lol Kyra.

    I think you are right about the friendship side of things. If you really adore a man, stay friends with him.

    I give the whole sex thing a miss. Nothing revolts me more, than men that keep pushing for sex. In Australia, it’s expected after a couple of dates, and since I’m not willing to do that, no more dates. It’s not worth it.

    I think they watch too much porn. Women are little more than walking, talking vaginas to guys these day’s.

    But male friends? Yeah they are great.

  • Kyra

    @Annie

    ;)

  • Cara

    don't sleep with them, seriously if they get it easy, they won't treasure it or respect you. wait until you both are sure and enter a commitment. there's always a vibrator till then :) – just my opinion. take care

  • Hazzmatty

    …

  • Hazzmatty

    GREAT advice.Wish they come up with some new “wisdom” for women.Same ole same ole..so,a vibrator is better than sex huh?Say a woman prefers the real thing,then they don’t give a shit about”respect”-cuz it’s about sex so they dont have to use a vibrator.You said, “use a vibrator” when you are horney.Why not “use” a man,until ya find one that wants more..or cheat yourself. Think logically.Oh..that’s right.Ya can tell that guy didn’t want a relationship..so, in your opinion you think men(and women)are just supposed to go without it unless they are in some relationship he dont want?We REALLY need to be like Germany and legalize prostitution.That will screen out all the men who like one thing and not the other,so women have a better idea which man is REALLY available and which is not.Too many women think just cuz ya like sex,ya HAVE to like relationships.When men(and women)masterbate,are they masterbating over the thought of some relationship that interferes with a man’s free will and entire life,or are they doing it cuz it’s just natural,and sex and relationships REALLY have nothing to do with eachother?People in them however,are supposed to have sex too.

  • Hazzmatty

    “If they get it easy they wont TREASURE it.”…ok. Sex aint something to be treasured lady, it’s SUPPOSED to be in abundance, just like air, realistically speaking. If that weren’t the case, men wouldn’t think about sex, say what? Every few seconds or minutes or whatever that common thing is? Men think sex just like they breathe air. Understand it, know it, and come to terms with it and you will be a happier person.Maybe just maybe a man prefers a woman with a high labido who doesn’t think her pussy is made of gold and wants it as often as he does. Just cuz something is RARE, doesn’t make it a treasure. Air aint RARE, yet we value it above all else dont we? Going bowling EVERY sunday (it’s just a poor example cuz men expect to have sex more than once a week. Still.) aint RARE, yet some guys do it EVERY sunday cuz they like it, and treasure it.

  • Hazzmatty

    That”respecting”women thing due to not putting out is just stupid and I’ve explained it before.Pisses them off and they walk.So much for the respect.(yeah,but then ya can say,”well,IF he doesn’t wait 3 years to have sex he must be a jerk”..so it’s a “clever” test..but what about the other side of the coin?It’s not uncommon that IF you dont have sex with a woman SOON after you meet her,there goes that relationship ever happening anyway.Ya sometimes just have to take chances.There are LOTS of men who score soon after meeting a woman,and not just cuz she is typically easy on her own accord,but cuz he was so awesome she was down for it and couldnt help herself.And him being so awesome besides her just wanting to have sex,good chances are she wants a relationship BECAUSE he is so awesome.NOW,here comes the woman’s part.IF she can manage to be awesome TOO,maybe the man will actually want to keep seeing her…even if that wasn’t his innitial intention.Maybe.Depending on her awesome factor.) Doing that”dont put out”crap often forces men to pretend they are up for more,force to lie and be phoney to women..and often they didnt”respect”you from the very get go anyway.Some or lots of women or ALL women think IF a woman puts out right away,he either doesn’t just lose the respect for her,or she doesn’t have time to even make him want to respect her…but i swear,lots of men have NO intention of “respecting” someone ya just want to have sex with from the very start,so here comes the pickup industry.

  • Hazzmatty

    Now the complicated thing.Sometimes IF a woman has sex with a man right off the bat,he simply thinks she’s a slut and does it with all the guys,so it’s hard to take her seriously on a one on one level and maybe he thinks she dont like him that much anyway,but she’s just easy.I really dont know.Life is complicated.All i know is the BEST thing men can do who even want a relationship (OR just want sex and no relationship) is to try to score ASAP as to not just fall into friend zone,and should he like her,then keep her awhile.But then sometimes women who want relationships just have to be screwed over in that that guy was just a swift fox, and she liked him,but he didnt want it…and sorry,OFTEN guys aint gonna reveal their intentions or it will fuck up their entire scheme…so it becomes a war of women’s crappy intuition and men’s finely tuned stage act science of logistic skills to schedule and execute plans to control the situation in order to evade her radar.

  • Hazzmatty

    “And then last night, after an entire week of hanging out together, he ignored my text. I called a few hours later and was sent straight to voicemail. I fell apart. Today when he texted me (completely unrelated to my text last night), I said we should just be friends and he responded “that’s fine.” No protest. He could care less.”

    So, he didn’t get back to you right away. You: “When i SAY jump”, you say, “how high!” I’m sure if you were face to face he would have replied instantaneously.

    “I said we should just be friends and he responded “that’s fine.” No protest. He could care less.”

    Well, I don’t know what to tell you. Your tests suck. Quit testing men for starters.

    “I can’t do this anymore. I want a partner – companionship, a lover, and eventually a family.”

    Yeah, well, I eventually want a family too, but us intelligent men are screwed. Have to pay (a LARGE amount too – can buy an inexpensive or expensive depending on how broke you are or not, house with it, per kid.) a surrogate mother to have my kids for me and relinguish all motherly rights and responsibilities to a single man, so i can keep them and whatever woman i would currently be dating or screwing if any is my “wife” and their mother. And i’ll have to take care of EVERYTHING.You women get basic life support (and often way more than it actually costs to keep a kid alive – and you buy shoes with the rest of it.) financial responsibilities for our kids taken off your shoulders and ANY guy you are currently dating is the new daddy. So you women just need to get knocked up and date a man or men and there is your family.You women got it made,so i dont want to hear any bitching.Hell, even when men get partial custody it aint even a FAMILY cuz partial custody or not, kids VISIT, but don’t live under his roof.Family means UNDER my roof,no sloppy mess of a family for me thanks. I’m a perfectionist like that. REAL family (with the exception of not having a wife) or no family at all. No in between shit.Like to know only child services could take my kids away from me with GOOD reason, rather than me just not “doing it” for some woman someday.Can’t wisely invest on how a woman feels about me all throughout her life.Sorry.Not an idiot.

  • At6821

    I have to write to you because I have the same experience with men right now, and I have been observing this creepy trend for the generation of men in their 20s-30s. I know this sounds extreme, but men in this generation don’t want any relationships with women and just their small group of men best friends which one of my ex-boyfriends called his “family” (4 adult men that had their own lives in different states). I don’t know any men in their 20s or 30s that want a wife or girl firend or children or a house or any large commitment. They just want to go out to be entertained and go home to their favorite porn! It’s really really really common. They want porn but not anything else. Also, they don’t have responsibilites or accountability for anything even at work they make up excuses for not getting work done…or just quit the job or wait for the women to fix it.. Also, I have been noticing in articles and people talking about how men aren’t really men right now because “they don’t know what to do” on account that women are more educated and getting jobs but since men don’t have the same statistics of graduating college (because they don’t feel like it) men aren’t getting hired except temp work or other odd jobs/ handy man. Even my uncle that is in his 50s is being a drunk and swearing at my Aunt because he is out of union carpenter work and can’t use the computer but she can so he treats her like crap, now. I have totally lost any respect for him because he could try to learn new things like normal human. Also, my best friend lives in Colorado (super beautiful, fun, educated.. like you had said) and she can never find a normal, nice, employed man! She always has to settle to go on dates with men in bands or a man that was a painter turned history teacher that treat her the same way you described where the men don’t care about women they date. This really depresses me. I totally feel the same way you do!!! Where are the nice men??? What the hell? This is all we get? cheaters,porn addicts, dumbasses, bad attitudes, don’t care, don’t try, don’t have any man qualities that actually turn me on or attract me! One more example that our generation of men are not real men! Lots of young women I know that are just like you (and me – educated, pretty, normal) are getting married to men in their 40s!!!!!!! They are finding what they want but in men that are from another generation that were still the normal men.

  • At6821

    No direspect to you but nothing you said makes sense to me at all. How do women have it easy? We raise kids by ourselves and end up with all bills of yours since men can’t get hired these days because they think they are too good for community college (only $20/unit…I paid my way working two minimum wage jobs(one full time and one part time) and school full time) men just “don’t want to” do anything that takes any effort anymore if it doesn’t involve their immediate pleasure like porn your fav and anything else that…………….. YOU KNOW I’m so tired of men ruining everything I can’t write anymore. I wish honestly I wasn’t in this generation because men are just not attractive. For example, why do we have to read a whiny man complain that he can’t jerk off fast enough. Cry you little baby. No one can afford a house and have to struggle. It’s a matter of being an adult and taking responsibility to plan and figure out what you can do instead of saying “women have it easy” go to classes they are CHEAP at community college. Men don’t want to do anything the right way or have morals. I’m just so pissed I hope your cock gets broken. I HATE MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Lovetheville

    The truth is that men are all pimps, even the “nice ones”. They don’t want a relationship. He freaked out because you (rightfully so) wanted more than just a screw. Dating you would have cramped his pimp style. And he probably lied-you were probably one of at least a few women. Did I say that men are lying pimps.Anytime they oopen their mouthes, automatically ssume it’s a lie. He got what he wanted and now he’s bored because he is a skank. Wish I could meet him, I would tell him that myself if I were there! Currently I am reading “Catch Him and Keep Him”. We’ll see if this helps, but I am pretty convinced that men will always remain pimps. I have decided that I and every other woman out there are too worthy of these skanks and we don’t need them except for physical release (and hell, toys actually do it better than they do!). Hang in there, hon. Remember, men are lucky to have US :)

  • Perspective 2.0

    His response has nothing to do with playing, or any shit about giving it up easy, you dug your own grave by saying that you wanted to be just friends when you really wanted more, a man doesn’t have much alternative when told that, its a shutdown, a “I don’t want you like that” and arguing about that will just make him seem desperate and sleazy. That and hes only known you for a week

    Even then why would he want to even tangle with you if your not clear in what you feel or want? If hes straight about how he feels toward you, you could have done the same, instead you rebuffed him cause he ignored your txt, which is just childish to be honest. oh and he probably didn’t respond to your txt cause he was busy, hence the not answering his phone.

    You need to stop reading into it so much, if he shared his time with you, he wanted you around for whatever reason anyone chooses to keep company, but this business of telling men off for superficial reasons (txting) is what hurting you, your jumping the gun, wait till he cheats on you or some shit like that.

  • Anonymous

    Well unfortunately if you’re sleeping with the guys just after a couple of dates… that’s what you’ll most likely be to them – a booty call. I’ve personally never had casual sex or sex after a few dates. I have always waited months and months until it is considered a serious relationship. I’ve only been hurt by 2 guys, and I only slept with one of them. Now I’m married. So perhaps the key is to not have sex with them… that’s considered an age old thing anyway. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free etc. Not having sex with men means they will quickly move onto someone who will have sex with them, so it does the work for you…

  • Laura

    Don’t date bartenders. All men are pricks but men in the bar industry take the cake. To many insecure women all over them all the time and boosting their egos into monsterous proportions. If you have to date a bartender act like you couldn’t give a shit about him. Blow him off and he will be so confused as to why you aren’t gushing over him that he won’t be able to stop thinking about you. It is wrecked with this one because you txt and then called but for the next one this works. But again the whole thing will piss you off because as soon as you relax and love him he will lose interest. So unless you want to be with a man that you have to consistantly treat like crap so he doesn’t leave you for someone who will date a computer geek or something. Sorry, they are all jerks but no need to start with the jerkiest…

  • Laura

    I have had sex on the first date lots. And then I can’t get rid of them. If you are the one who leaves their place without asking for digits he will be chasing after you…. Almost all my boyfriends have been one night stands that just kept sticking around untill I was in a relationship I didn’t want. But they are all jerks, I don’t think it is important how you aquire one he will piss you off in the end usually….

  • Laura

    Text him once if at all. If he doesn’t return it in a reasonable amount of time ie within a couple hours, then don’t return his texts or calls for two days or so. If he is into you he will stop playing games and persue you if not then he prolly has another girl or two…

  • Jadenn

    I hear you, Jane…so much so that I could have written your post. I would like to say it gets better, but it doesn’t. I am in my late 30s and finally found what I thought was the last decent guy on earth. We married almost a year ago (the first for us both). I discovered that my husband (a few years older than me) is actually a very spoiled five year old child, still playing all the games guys play. I could go on, but the short of it is that I both love him and hate him at the same time. I struggle daily with our issues, and try not to take out my hatred of men on him…

  • Bettifree

    Your best bet for marriage/serious relationship is a conservative, at least somewhat traditional and probably religious man. I’m not saying they’re a guaranteed winner, either, but at least they respect a woman who doesn’t offer instant sex. I’m in my 40s and I know from experience that most men want sex only or sex primarily. An easy way to weed out the real asswipes, douchebags and all-around losers is DON’T HAVE SEX QUICKLY OR EASILY. A lot of men won’t stick around, being horny and impatient, but those men are not worth your time, anyway. Also, don’t get too emotional over a man who you’ve only known for days,weeks or even a few months. Get busy with other interests and don’t expect happiness delivered from a man. Then, if you do meet a great guy, it will be a pleasant surprise!

  • Angiegirl2493

    When you sleep with a guy in the first week you meet him then he’s bound to only want your body….”husband material” will take the time to get to know you first because he is attracted not only to what you look like but who you are as a person.

  • Nathan_f_19999

    Get used to the selfish and indifferent attitude of men 30+ cuz we only care about ourselves and our vices! Nate.