baby mama drama…very confused

So I have been out of my relationship with my ex for about seven months. He was abusive so I was hesitant for a while to get into another relationship out of fear that the same things would happen. A few months ago I began talking to another man and we agreed to take it slow and not really commit anything, just kinda be a little more than friends with benefits.

Out of curiosity I asked him if he had slept with anyone else, he told me that he slept with his ex once after me and him started talking. Although he has kids with the girl, that is no excuse for him to think he can have sex with her whenever. Shortly after I met the “baby mama” she began to come over to his house more and more and sleep over there a lot. So I asked him if we could be monogamous but not label it a relationship because the thought of him sleeping with someone and then sleeping with me is kind of repulsive…i’m not one for sloppy seconds. He agreed to this without hesitation.

About a week later I went to his house and he was passed out on the couch, apparently he had been drinking that day with some friends. Not long after I was there a car pulled up outside and a girl knocked on the door. She came in and handed him some black and mild’s and sat down on the couch. I introduced myself (he is bad about introducing people) and she began telling me about everything he had drank that day. We were both sitting on the couch and he came and sat down between us. She was all over him and he didn’t stop her. We watched t.v. for a min then he went and got in his bed. I went in there and jumped on him then got beside him hoping that his friend would leave. Well she didn’t, she came in there and got on top of him while I was laying there and was rubbing all over him and licking his nipples and whispering in his ear. So I got up and said that I was going home to check on my son (who was with my sister) and get some sleep. I didn’t feel like fighting for him because he is really not worth it. He came outside and asked me what was wrong and I told him nothing, that I wanted some booty but that obviously wasn’t happening because he had other plans.

Not to sound egotistical because I’m not the hottest thing on this earth, but I am pretty and am comfortable with my body and was kinda shocked that he wanted to sleep with her over me.

I tried to not let it get to me, he was honest about what happened between them. So I continued to talk to him and just called off the whole monogamy thing. I haven’t slept with anyone else and don’t intend to because I am not one to sleep around a lot. I normally stick to one guy at a time. But his baby mama has been staying over a lot lately and I just found out something about me that complicates the situation more. I asked him if he was trying to make things work with her again and he said no, that he was just trying to keep things civil between them for the kids.

I think there is a line between being separated and civil and what they are doing. I think what there are doing is more confusing for the kids than anything else, and they are not being good examples of healthy relationships. Sleeping in the same bed at night and then going off with other people and sleeping with other people. The kids know that this is going on, but I am not one to tell you how to raise your kids, so I never mentioned it.

I guess I am just really confused, I have feelings for him and would like to pursue them but I know he is not good at being faithful, and I have never cheated. I don’t want to set myself up to get hurt, but I can’t help the attraction I have towards him.

To make matters worse, I just found out I am pregnant with his child a few days ago. We agreed to an abortion because neither of us are ready for another child or able to support another one. He agreed to pay for most of it if not all of it, which helps me out. Ever since I told him he has been very distant, he will say he is coming over and not show up and sometimes ignores my calls. I don’t know what to do. I’m confused as to whether I should even try to stay friends after the abortion. I am also really nervous about getting it done and I haven’t told anyone else, so he is really the only person I want to talk about it with and he hasn’t been around.

Not sure if I will ever find a good man to love.

This post was submitted by aly87.

This entry was posted in I Hate Men and tagged by aly87. Bookmark the permalink.

About aly87

i am a fun loving free spirit that loves to laugh and spend time with friends and family. I am a single mom who is trying to get past the horrors of my last relationship while trying to find something worth while. I am nothing but confused about men now!!
  • a414

    Hi Aly87,

    I just read you story, first I think you are very brave to write all your feelings online (especially with such a personal issue). Secondly, I think that what this guy is doing to you is not right at all. Personally, I don’t agree with abortion and think that you put yourself in that position to possibly get pregnant…what if your parents had decided to abort you??? BUT if you do go through with the abortion I would never in hell talk to that loser again! From what is sounds like you wouldn’t have trouble finding another guy who would treat you with respect and love you with all his heart.

    Good Luck Aly87

  • MrRealitycheck

    I appreciate your values and your stance. It seems that so many relationship problem stem from a simple lack of one or both partners (I will not say only men…..) failing to define what is right and what is wrong.

    At the end of the day, relationships should be built on honesty and love. Honesty should be present from the beginning, but love, well, that would take time to show properly, as opposed to lust…. Also, to be honest, anyone who drinks all day, other than a rare occurrence, is obviously not going to be too worried about their standards of living….in my opinion…..

    If your method of trying to find a decent man has not worked so far, then try to change some of your tactics. If you had bad luck in bars, avoid bars…..If you had bad luck in clubs, avoid clubs (apart from for leisure/getting your eardrums perforated) Try to avoid the lowest common denominator in other words. Also, please understand that a gem of a person can still be found in average locations, but you may never notice them because they don’t stand out amongst the players etc. Good luck.

  • http://www.ihatemen.org a better woman

    As soon as I read that you agreed to be “a little more than friends with benefits”…my heart went out to you. I have learned that while it seems harmless, our heart gets involved without us even knowing sometimes, and someone usually gets hurt in that situation.

    It seems that you have a lot of feelings for this guy, but his values in no way match yours…my personal opinion, you are too good for him. You are doing everything you can to respect him, and he has little regard for you or your own welfare. I’m going to guess that you are not using condoms, and he is having sex with someone else, who may also be having sex with God knows how many other people. Monogamy is smart, but only when both people involved are monogamous… inadvertently you are sleeping around. Whether you realize it or not, he is playing mind games with you…making you question why he chose her over you. You say he is not worth it, but you are allowing yourself to question your own self-worth, when you should really be questioning his worth to you.

    The thing is…you are already hurting. You have been hurt, and since this guy does not physically abuse you like your ex did…you may think that makes this a better situation, but it doesn’t. You say you are attracted to him…is it love or is it lust? Let me guess the guy is great in bed…it is something to lust over, lust does not last, and it is not something that turn into wedding bells and happily ever after.

    Do yourself a favor…make it a priority to take care of yourself, and you son. From my personal experience, if you take care of yourself, and hold your values close to heart you will find a good man to love, and one that will love you right back.

  • Reason and Logic

    “a little more than friends with benefits”

    I’m not even sure what this means. Sounds like something that he helped you make up so he could sleep around without having to worry about you doing the same thing.

    Move on to greener pastures, the guy isn’t interested and sounds like an asshole.

  • shanna

    I’m sorry but I have to do this I think that you were old enough to watch , Life Time Televison for women who hate men has all covered basically what you went through I know it’s television but give me a break you couldn’t learn form that?? Life time has been covering men with seriuos flaws for years I mean come on all the spousal abuse movies etc… but listen I’m truly sorry for the pain this man has caused he should be castrated and disgraced but in our society man is king and so that will never happen, please be careful, get tested for all STDs especially HPV which is not well known. oh one more thing LEAVE HIM THE H*** ALONE!!!!!

  • a414

    To Shanna (know-it-all):

    You seem to have answer for everything. You gave her “lifetime” advice, yikes….I can’t believe that is where you are getting your relationship information.

    Good Luck!

  • shanna

    @a414 Wow are you personally attacking me for my opinions???? I mean I’m beginning to think you are a man, and like a man would get offended and then try to undermine someone, are you sure you’re not a man???? know it all…ouch Thank God I have excellent self esteem and you are female putting down another female??? you love men that much and for your info Im happily married to a surgeon with 4 beautiful kids, how dare you !!!

  • a414

    To Shanna,

    First off, I’m definitely not a man. Believe it or not I’m happily in a relationship with a MAN. Also, I came across this site because one of my friends told me about the funny posts and comments people leave, so by curiosity I wanted to see. But that doesn’t explain how someone who is happily married came to an I HATE MEN site. By the way I don’t think anyone on this site cares that your husband is a surgeon. My boyfriend is a pharmacist, but I don’t go around telling strangers that, BECAUSE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE POST!!!!

    As for “attacking” your personal opinions, no one should give someone advice to watch TV for relationship help. Life Time is a drama channel, hence everything that is on it is DRAMATIC and drawn out to the extreme. So how dare you come back to be accusing that I’m a man?? You proved Reason and Logic’s point, you are why men think we are crazy. HA

    a414

  • shanna

    @A414 LLLOOOMMMAAARRRRRRR Read it again then what he said again then what I said again then try again

  • Reason and Logic

    “Read it again then what he said again then what I said again then try again”

    What? (head explodes)

  • a414

    Hi Shanna,

    First off, LLLLLOOOOMMMARRRR is one of the most ridiculous things I have heard next to everything that you have been commenting. By the way you will never be happy with anyone who replies back to you if it isn’t the same opinion as yours. So why don’t you wake up and TRY AGAIN.

    Why don’t you get off this site and go be a surgeons wife.

    a414

  • http://www.ihatemen.org a better woman

    To Shanna:

    First off, I don’t think a414 was personally attacking you for your opinion, she was commenting on the fact that your advice was “watch more Lifetime TV”. The fact that you recommended her get checked for STDs…that was good advice.

    I could tell from your comment that you were a mother by your “you should have know better” comment. Didn’t you ever think that sometimes the last person a young woman wants advice from is a mother. Sure, Lifetime has been covering cases like this for years, but that has not stopped them from happening yet. Telling this young lady she should have known better is not giving her advice or helping her in anyway…if anything you are only hurting her by making her feel more regret. Instead why not try to offer some words of advice, something that can help her self esteem, and bring out the strong woman that is inside of her.

  • Rachel

    ‘better woman’

    I’ve pretty much just decided you;re ridiculous. You created a man hating site for WHAT REASON other than to lure in man haters who get laughed at?

    Change the name of the site or lose the majority of its visitors who ya know, do actually hate the menz.

    Change it to ‘Maybe I don’t want to play games’.

  • a414

    Rachel,

    Just because the site is called, “I Hate Men” doesn’t mean that A Better Woman HAS to hate men. Sometimes we get fed up with men or get annoyed with certain men, but not all of them. There are some guys out there who are good likewise with women.

    It isn’t your place to go and tell the moderator what she should do with HER site. Lighten up!

    a414

  • http://www.ihatemen.org a better woman

    To Rachel:

    Last time I checked, this is was my site, and I can call it whatever I want. Secondly, If you have something to say about hating men or feel like bashing men, then write a post and get it out there…

    I give all my guests liberty to say whatever they want…try to find another “man hating” site that does that…instant gratification.

    Luv ya,

    A Better Woman

  • Reason and Logic

    Rachel,

    If you just check out the about page:
    http://www.ihatemen.org/about/

    It will help you understand what the admin’s ideas about the site are.

  • mensucktrustme

    I’d say do what you feel is right and fuck this man. He just wanted to fuck you and THATS IT!!! Men fucking suck, thats the way it is. Get the abortion and find a new man who can act as a good role model for your son and can take care of you!

  • aly87

    I thank everyone for their comments. We used protection most of the time but the one time we didn’t…I guess that’s how it works. I will get tested asap. I think I am going to stop talking to him after the abortion. We haven’t really been seeing each other much lately, I think his ex moved in.

  • LilyRose

    Oh sweetie. You sound like you’re reading right out of my journals! I have been in this EXACT place that you are in right now… however it took me 2 years to look past his BS and move on. Not all men are like him. Men like him are in it for one thing and when life steps in the way of ‘fun’ then they scatter like cockroaches.

    Be strong and do what is right for YOU.

  • Lunargoddess2002

    How can you blame the guy when you LET HIM TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT. Stay single and see a therapist. You are allowing people to devalue you. You really need to get some help. To me he just wasn’t that into you. If he were, he would have respected you. He would have treated you with respect and he would have stuck around. Ladies, men won’t treat you well if you don’t treat yourselves well. There are good and truly exceptional men out there. Sounds like you are attracted to dogs. When you get some help, you’ll see that you were systematically attracted to the same types not by your fault but by something pathological. You’ll see how liberated you’ll feel when you will be freed of this pattern.

  • dreamer

    it gets me mad that us girls forgive very easily and guys dont. I have two brothers who are both jerk-idiots and their girls are always their for them i dont understand why. women are so weak. if ur man had seen another boy with you he would’ve sent you to hell right away…. so why do you put up with it? duh girl i’ve bet you’ve asked yourself this question , are you stupid!? fuk him and any other fuker who’s hurt you

  • nobodysangel

    What an asshole!! I can’t believe he had the nerve to act like that with his kid’s mother in front of you!!

    Also, I must state that I don’t personally agree with abortion. Every woman I know that has had one didn’t feel good about it. They were advertised that life was going to be normal again. They were never normal again and regret it dearly. The solution to a crisis pregnancy is to eliminate the crisis, not the pregnancy!

  • Evergreen

    ‘I don’t know what to do. I’m confused as to whether I should even try to stay friends after the abortion.’

    Run away, dont walk, He is not the one for you,

    ‘I am also really nervous about getting it done and I haven’t told anyone else, so he is really the only person I want to talk about it with and he hasn’t been around.’

    good luck with your decision,

  • Anonymous

    In the beginning of your post you said that you wanted to take things slow with this new guy — well having sex isn’t taking things slow.  Once you have sex with someone you cease to be just friends — so that “friends with benefits” is an oxy moron.
    I believe he was having sex with the baby mama all along before he met you.  If they had a fight or something she may have cut him off for a minute but she isn’t going anywhere simply because she knows you are around and that may have been his whole game plan to bring you into the picture just to get her back in.  This is their dynamic she will always be there.

    But in his mind he didn’t do anything wrong because you said you all were just friends — translation to a guy:  He can fuck whomever he wants to and apparently right in front of you.  That was disrespectful.  And instead of you having the guts to speak up and tell him how you felt you backed down and swallowed your feelings.  Do you see what I mean when I say — once you have sex with someone you cease to be just friends?  Never reduce yourself to being a receptacle for a man’s penis.  And just because he told you about the baby mama doesn’t mean he is a good guy and you shouldn’t reward him for bad behavior by continuing to talk to him — have you had sex with him since the baby mama incident?  Get yourself out of this situation — It is toxic and you don’t need this drama.  He always will have a good excuse for seeing his baby’s mama

    You said that you couldn’t help the attraction you feel for him — but you CAN help it — ask yourself why are you attracted to a cheater?  Someone who has disrespected you?  You have to be a REAL WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE about this.  Make the sacrifice of your attraction to him, set a standard that you won’t allow yourself to be treated this way again by any man, and get rid of him.  B/c you compromised your own self-repsect all the way across the board and you were irresponsible having unprotected sex with him.  How long did you know him before you had sex with him?  Do not have sex before 6mos. at least.

    Now you’re pregnant your concern should be for your baby not about him.  Your focus is wrong.  Handle your business and NO you should not be friends with this guy after the abortion.  And I will tell you why — having an abortion isn’t an easy decision there are a lot of emotional dynamics involved. You need someone who cares about you there for you. Where is he?  He can’t even be a friend to you right now and be there for you so why are you confused about being friends with him afterwards?  All he wanted you for was sex and now he could careless if you stay or go.

    I didn’t say these things to hurt you I am a woman too but I think you have lost perspective on this one.  I’m truly sorry that you are going through this I hope I have given you some standards to set in our life when dealing with these men out here.  Protect yourself that means your body, your self respect, your emotions — don’t compromise those things for anybody.  I’m talking to you just like I would my daughter.  I’m 45 years old and I would guess that you are in your 20s?  I cry for the woman I was in my 20s.  Give yourself time to heal please don’t jump into another relationship so soon after this.

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