Are men really all the same? I keep trying to convince myself that there must be some decent ones out there who actually believe in treating women as something more than a personal chef, janitor, and punching bag, but I have not had any luck. The only experiences I have had with men have been negative and hurtful, physically and emotionally.
I will start with the boy who bullied me from 6th grade to 10th grade…was that REALLY necessary? I mean come on, I was a bit different, but just stop!! I remember one occasion where we were on a show choir trip, and he intentionally snagged a seat behind me and my best friend. He complimented my best friend on her watch, while spitting and blowing in my hair and screaming out loud what songs I chose to play on my ipod as he hovered from the seat behind me and I tried to block him out.
Then there was my dad, who emotionally abused me a good portion of my childhood, and even now throughout my adulthood. From the age of about 2 or 3, I remember my dad screaming at me and my mother begging him to stop. I recently spent four months living alone with him as my mother visited our home in another state, and I developed frequent panic attacks as a result of the constant pressure I received from my “dad”.
Next there is my brother, who my parents have ALLOWED to physically abuse me at times. He has broken plastic hangers and scraped my skin up, punched me, kicked me, came at me with inanimate objects, thrown wet dirt in my face and on my clothes, you name it! If I scream when he does it, my mom goes to him and says “what did she do to you? Are you ok?” Unfortunately I have had to live with them due to my college plans being screwed (I somehow managed to develop severe digestive problems months before starting my freshman year of college).
When you put my dad and my brother together, it’s a recipe for disaster. They don’t clean up after themselves and expect my mom to do it for them. I would go into detail, but that would be a disservice. My dad NEVER cooks and always EXPECTS my mom to cook for him all the time. I guess it would be different if he actually tried to cook and it turned out really bad, but he doesn’t try. He just expects. My brother doesn’t eat unless my mom brings food to his room, and he usually insults the food anyway, instead of being grateful considering he doesn’t even get out of bed to make it himself.
Whenever I try to be “outgoing” with men, or introduce myself, I feel rejected. I feel like they are expecting Kim Kardashian and Britney Spears to merge into a single person. I mean, sorry….not sorry.
I’m starting to question my sexuality, wondering if I am still attracted to men. Am I wasting my time looking for a type of man that will never exist? All the women in my life have always treated me with respect, if not with compassion as well. I feel like men will always try to choose the dominant, aggressive role.
I have never met a man who made me feel empowered as a woman, much less a person, other than a boy I dated for a year in 3rd grade and thought I would end up marrying.
The only people I’ve came across in my life who I feel have changed me for the better are women. I’ve had a few girl crushes here and there, but was taught to ignore it early on due to my conservative background. Now am I beginning to wonder to myself, are men really worth it?
Why should I have to wear makeup or heels when I’m not comfortable just to land a guy? “Just be yourself.” I can’t be myself when I’m expected by my family and potential boyfriends to “act like a girl.” How exactly does a girl act? I wasn’t aware I had to act or dress a certain way!
I’m happy in my t-shirt and baggy shorts with my hair pulled out of my face, I’m happy in my running shoes, and I’m happy eating as much as I want to without feeling insecure! All I want is someone who I don’t have to wear a mask for every day.
The more men I pursue, the more disappointed I feel. So here I am asking myself……are men really all the same?
This post was submitted by skittledragon.