Ever since I was little I felt like my dad hated me. He hated my personality, the way I looked, and my lack of athletic interest. Being the depressed, lonely teen that I was, it really did not help. Being yelled at by my dad probably hurt my self esteem in some way. He however, did not make men less appealing, my self confidence and attitude makes men less appealing, consequently, it makes them much less attracted to me when I do admit my problems.
I think having a well-endowed (you know what I’m saying), beautiful, kind best friend in my life made him sad. It made him want HER as a daughter instead of me. Unenthused, boring, and anxiety filled me… He had an ideal daughter and that was not me. I wanted a dad who loved me as much as my brother or some random girl at school, obviously it was asking too much…
Now with all these disappointments in my life I’ve come to establish that I can’t date right now. Mentally it fucks with me, screws me over. I feel worse in a shitty relationship than I do alone…I sometimes want to date a girl, but again, push that out because of my overwhelming aura of negativity. I’m basically like a cloud, in fact…I’m like the weather. Changing…and merciless
Anyone who knows would say I’m an alcoholic, and you know what? Fine, it’s true…my coping mechanism is alcohol and thrill. I will do anything to either be numb and emotionless, or better, put myself into dangerous situations, often even life threatening (lets not go in to detail about those). I hide my substance abuse from friends I know…no one suspects that I drink so much…
I often feel as though I have mental break downs and aggression. It forces it’s way out. My anger tantrums and low self esteem pushes men away. Not just the horrible ones either…whenever I am within the relationship boundaries I often change my thoughts on who I’m dating, become overly paranoid of them leaving me, or worse feel I need to do everything to keep them there.
Truly and honestly…I have borderline personality disorder
I don’t know how to love myself anymore, if I can’t even do that, how could I love someone else?
Are men resistant of someone as sad and crazy as me?
This post was submitted by Cry.