Here is a quick summary of who I am before venting like an exploding volcano. I was born with birth defects. My hands, feet and face are deformed. I was a virgin, never had a boy like me, never dated, until I was 30 and damn near suicidal from being alone and isolated for so long (my parents sheltered me, told me I could not handle the way this world would treat me and my mom said guys would only want “someone like me” for sex). Then, as I stood at the brink of suicide, I decided to have sex with the town male whore. I met him on MySpace. He was compassionate enough to hook up with me (awww).
I went through a few more friends with benefits for two years; only, they weren’t friends. Never took me out in public, never invited me into the group of friends. Just came to my home, my bedroom, got what they wanted and I thought “my Mom was right, this is all men think I am good for”.
It began killing me that they treated me like a shameful secret. I am a wonderful, sweet, funny person. I deserve more respect than this.
Then he entered my life. Let’s call him “Scott”, shall we? The very first night I met Scott in person after having befriended him through MySpace at the time (circa 2007) he had the nerve to tell me, and I quote word for word “I need to be honest, most men would never date you because of how you look”. Because, you know, when I am out meeting a guy for the first time and actually feeling happy that this man doesn’t mind being seen in public with me, having a jolt of good ole soul crushing honesty will definitely make me feel even happier!
I was crushed in the moment. Why would a guy want to cut me down like this? Who says something like this to anyone? I have never even thought this way about anyone. And I do mean anyone.
But, being the sad depressed female that I was, just being relieved that I found a guy who wouldn’t hide me away in my bedroom, I gave him a chance.
I dated him for 2 1/2 years before moving in with him. During this time, what he told me that night lingered in my head and I confronted him a few times over it, trying to foolishly hear some kind of explanation that would ease the sting that, to this day, lingers. He told me that’s just the way guys are, they would not want someone deformed on their arm as a serious partner. Oh, but he was different. “I’m not like most men”.
As time went by, however, I began noticing that he would shut down on me every time we ran into his friends. He acted like I wasn’t by his side. He wouldn’t introduce me or even acknowledge my presence. It was then that I realized he might be alright holding my hand in public but when he comes across his buddies, he was too embarrassed to acknowledge that I was his woman.
It only got worse (much worse) when he decided to go back to college to learn welding (he was and is in his 30s). He began keeping me completely separated from anyone he knew from campus. He became a big shot there, mastering all of his studies and becoming the one everyone else turned to. He would not include me in on events where other people brought their partners and spouses. I noticed and it tore me slap to pieces. I gained 100 pounds from feeling his shame towards me.
Even though I told him I needed him to act proud to be with me, or at the very least act normal when we come across people he knows but he blamed me. He said my shyness and the way his friends would stare at my birth defects made him shut down. Some of these people have known him for many years, eaten lunches with him, gone on business trips and here he was still unable to simply say “by the way, this is my girlfriend?”I began to see him as a coward, crippled by good old fashioned peer pressure.
After having been with him for 7 years, he recently told me that it was all my fault. “I see how bad these people treat you, they can barely even look at you. If you had never pointed it out that people treat you differently I would have never become so insecure about being seen with you. I’m just trying to shield you from harm by keeping you away from them”
Let’s just say I woke up last year and realized I am not in a relationship with a man, I am involved with a high school jock who thinks his poop doesn’t stink and he refuses to show all his hot shot buddies that he is dating the loser girl in the school.
We just broke up yesterday. He blames me for everything that went wrong in this relationship (oh and I didn’t even mention that time when he told me in bed one night “sometimes when I look at you I wonder what you would have looked like had you been born normal”).
He said something to me yesterday that, if I had not figured his immaturity out by now, this sealed the deal. He said that he gave his “man card” away to me long ago and he is demanding it back. When I asked him wtf a man card is, he said “it’s when you choose to spend time with your girlfriend instead of being around your buddies”. I set him straight very quickly. I have never one single time told him he could not spend time with others. In fact, I am the one who always tells him to go do things with them when he says he isn’t sure he wants to. Ever since his buddies told him two weeks ago to reclaim his “man card” and spend more time with them, I have barely seen him. The time he was spending with me in the afternoons before his evening shift begins is completely gone. He even beat his fists on his chest yesterday and said he can feel his manhood coming back now.
He is very easily influenced by his male friends. he won’t bring me around them because he is embarrassed for them to see me. He now sacrifices what little quality time we share during the weekdays because they guilted him into “reclaiming his manhood”.I gave my heart to a coward and I am relieved that we are over now. I have to remain in his home until I can find a place of my own but once I am gone, I will reclaim my spirit that I lost along the way while being with him.
Oh, and I began losing the weight last July. Only 25 pounds to go. I realized in July that I deserve so much better than this person. I never should have been treated like a shameful secret by the very person who once upon a time told me he would never be ashamed of me the way my former encounters did. He turned out to be the worst of them all because he earned my trust, pulled me in and then proved to be no different than them. it’s going to take a long time to heal from these past 7 years. The way he treated me, the way his buddies (the ones we would accidentally run into) treated me has taught me a lot about men. And what I learned makes me sick deep down inside. I am a human being no matter what i look like. And for the record, I told him I never wanted to get surgeries to try and repair anything about me but he says he had been hoping that along the way his support would have encouraged me to make changes.
Isn’t love wonderful?! I see all men as my enemy right now. For my sake, and for the sake of not living the rest of my life alone, I hope someone comes along to restore my faith. I deserve a better man.
This post was submitted by OddlyAdorable.